This isn't easy For me to admit I got a fire inside and some words I know I can't keep in I see faith turning Into a show Of Sundays and sermons And words getting caught in the flow
Oh, but we got real pain and real fears Thirsting for the drying of our real tears It's not satisfying anymore Ain't it true that the veil was torn
I don't need no stained glass To be washed in His blood I don't need no perfect, put together pretty words To be enough, no I want Jesus and His real love Something that I crave deep inside of my bones So you can leave your religion at home
Spent my life trying To keep all the rules Now I know it's about what He's already done Not about what I think that I gotta do
I don't need no stained glass To be washed in His blood I don't need no perfect, put together pretty words To be enough, no I want Jesus and His real love Something that I crave deep inside of my bones So you can leave your religion at home
I want real, real love, hey
I got real pain and real fears Thirsting for the drying of real tears It's not satisfying anymore Ain't it true that the veil was torn
I don't need no stained glass To be washed in His blood I don't need no perfect, put together pretty words To be enough, no I want Jesus and His real love Something that I crave deep inside of my bones So you can leave your religion at home
I want real, real love I want real, real love I want real, real love Oh, yeah, yeah
Songwriters: Blanca Elaine Reyes / Jordan Sapp / Emily Weisband
It is so hard developing genuine relationships. Don't get me wrong, I have friends who know me on different levels. I can relate to some friends because we are single parents, others know my struggles and goals, some can understand me because they did not grow of with a father figure or have lost their mother. No one knows me on a deep spiritual, emotional and or intimate level. At times, it feels as though many eyes are on me, that there are those watching what I am doing simply for their own benefit. I have said many times, I do not like competition. I am not one to compete with others, each day I work toward being my best self and a better me. I work hard because that is what I know and how to work hard. I am going to be honest and say, there are times when I do not know what I am doing. I am wrong, I make mistakes, I doubt, have insecurities and I get lost. I am in a season where I feel I have no one to turn to, so I have learned to turn to God. I rest on Him. In the times where there seems to be little hope, and I am lost within myself, I look up and find my Savior there. When I am lost, in a world where there does not seem to be anyone to love me or can see me for the person I am, He finds me. He loves me, right where I am, and He holds out His hand for me. . . .
Quote of the week, from the movie Thanks for Sharing :
"Feelings are like kids, you don't want them driving, and you don't want to put them in the trunk."
Despite everything, how I may feel or appear; I am feeling this song like a new handbag. . .
Tedashii- Gotta live ft. Jordan Feliz
[Pre-Chorus: Jordan Feliz]
Even when my light burns low I can never lose my hope I've been down this road before Now I know which way to go You can try to drag me down But I'll be living in the clouds Everybody has their doubts but you can't stop now
[Chorus 1: Jordan Feliz] You just, you just gotta live You just, you just gotta live You just, you just gotta
I can never lose my hope I've been down this road before Now I know which way to go You can try to drag me down But I'll be living in the clouds Everybody has their doubts but you can't stop now
[Chorus 2: Jordan Feliz] You just, you just gotta live You just, you just gotta live You just, you just gotta live Even when my light burns low I can never lose my hope You just, you just gotta live Everybody has their doubts but you can't stop now You just, you just gotta live
[Verse 2: Tedashii] Keep on living til' there's nothing left Lean on we just like there's no one else Ain't nobody out here more like You And with you they broke mold Ain't no more like you that for sure I can't drop out like the top down on the coop Tell 'em watch out when I walk out, make 'em move Sunday morning with my hands up Like they got the handcuffs Searching for some answers Since Momma passed from cancer and my sister left Seattle with a one way ticket home Hope she holding Chase and teaching him to speak samoan Gotta keep it going Yeah that's all they told me Tell him you can make it when you know the one and only
[Bridge: Jordan Feliz]
Burning bright beyond the fire You were born to win, yeah, you're a fighter Don't let your light just fadeaway
[Chorus: Jordan Feliz & Tedashii] You just, you just gotta live You just gotta live, you just gotta live You just, you just gotta live You just gotta live I just wanna live He wants you to live You just, you just gotta live Even when my light burns low I can never lose my hope You just, you just gotta live Everybody has their doubts but you can't stop now You just, you just gotta live, yeah I just wanna live
They try to brake me, not knowing I have been broken. God has put me back together, stronger than before.
Today has been interesting, the day started off with me being openly rejected by someone who I genuinely care about. That was hard, my feelings were hurt. It is through situations such as this, I learn to put my feelings aside and be strong. What makes the day interesting is I ended the day with people who I felt could care less about me. It was with this group of people, my people that I played chess and other games, laughed and felt love.
There seems to be a constant, of never ending change. This week has been not been bad, there were times when I had been easily agitated and irritable. Its was in those times and through those tears, I thanked God. I gave praise to my Savior and King because it says in His word, it is through the trials and tribulations we walk by faith with Him, that makes us strong.
In all my prayers for a change and my prayers for others, there is a little prayer I am listening for a response from God. If those reading this could pray for me also, it would be appreciated. I always like to do something different for my birthday, coming up next month. This year my birthday falls on a Saturday, so I have already made sure I have the day off. You see I have been praying to God about an event that happens to take place on my birthday. Okay the event, is a gala. I have never been to a gala before. The gala is being held by a Community Christian school to raise funds for scholarships. Since the gala is held to raise fund for school education, happens to be Christian based, and the funds are to help fund tuition, I want to attend all the more. My prayer request comes with the price of the ticket. I am glad a portion of the proceeds go to tuition, however, I am still struggling with the amount. At this point the amount for one ticket is the only thing that would stop me, that and fear of course.
Yes, fear, what if God's answer is yes. "Go child, I will take care of it for you", as He has done so many times. Then comes a whole list of other things for me to worry about. What do you wear? Do I sit alone because I haven't bought another ticket? Does this require me talking to other people socially? Will politics be involved? . . . .I could go on, but instead of worrying, I will keep praying and listen for God. The gala is about a month away and gives me more time to pray about it and hear from God and what He wants.
Deep down and way back in the darkest places of my mind, I am disappointed in myself for not being good enough to be loved by my father. I know I shouldn't, but it is hard convincing myself otherwise. It is because of this I sometimes feel there is not a guy in the world that will understand me, and also the reason I have trouble with male relationships. There is not a guy that would fight for me, laugh with me and love me past this broken mess known as me. I fear I would mess things up if the right guy did ever come along. My worst outcome is having a desire for that connection, but being left with emptiness and loneliness to keep me company.
I am grateful, my first love, my King is still working on me. . . . .
Masterpiece
Lyrics
Heartbreaks a bittersweet sound Know it well It's ringing in my ears And I can't understand Why I'm not fixed by now Begged and I pleaded Take this pain but I'm still bleeding
Heart trusts you for certain Head says it's not working I'm stuck here still hurting But you tell me
You're making a masterpiece You shaping the soul in me You're moving where I can't see And all I am is in your hands You're taking me all apart Like it was your plan from the start To finish your work of art for all to see you're making a masterpiece
Guess I'm your canvas Beautiful black and blue Painted in mercy's hue I don't see past this You see me now Who I'll be then There at the end Standing there as
Your Masterpiece You're shaping the soul in me You're moving where I can't see And all I am is in your hands You're taking me all apart Like it was your plan from the start To finish your work of art for all to see You're making a masterpiece You're making a masterpiece
Heart trust you for certain Head says it's not working
You're making a masterpiece You're shaping the soul in me You're moving where I can't see And all I am is in your hands You're taking me all apart Like it was your plan from the start To finish your work of art for all to see You're making a masterpiece You're making a masterpiece I will be your masterpiece
I woke up and sat up on my bed this morning and decided, I had arrived at church. You see my church is one of those great churches that you can watch the services live. I really like that you can do praise and worship right along with the service. We have a 9 am and an 11 am service and I was not sure if both could be streamed live or just one. So, about five minutes before the first service started I went and checked online. I was glad to find out both services are live streamed. I was not as happy to find out the new series we were starting was titled: Marriage needs a plan: Mutual Submission. I was immediately glad I had decided to watch the television from home. My plan was to leave the 9 am service on in the background while I finished breakfast and did some house work. I should have know from the new song we learned today, which was:
Reckless Love
by Corey Ashbury
that there was a message in this for even me, a single. The title is what threw me off, with marriage and submission in the title. My mind is thinking those two words have nothing to do with me, why would I want to listen. A long while back, I said I wanted to be the best I could for my future partner. So, I thought to myself, I will go ahead and watch the service and file in my memory for later use, when I am married. Beside, once you are in a marriage and things start going awry, it's hard to hear a message intended for you. I mean, God says in his word if you ask he will answer, who is to say it has to be while you are going through the hard times. It is just as possible God can give you answers before to equip you. The message today was about staying in love beyond the fire works and butterflies, after the "falling in love", the honeymoon is over. I actually got a lot from this message. You can watch the along with us as we go through the series at https://www.calvarytlh.com/ .
I have realized I dont like putting my food plan into MyFitnessPal particularly when I start to put in bad things, the app starts to let me know those foods arent good for me. It isnt rude about, it which is great, its a nice reminder of the boundaries and staying within them. What ends up happening is I stop putting in my food. This is just one of the random thoughts that came to mind lately. With the new year starting, lots of people are rethinking their new year resolution to lose weight. Nothing new or interesting had come to mind, but I have been watching the UK based tv show Supersive vs. Superskinny. I really like the show because it takes a look at both ends of the spectrum, morbid obesity and anorexia nervosa. It is really interesting because the show uses the one eating extreme to give light to the other. I started to make plans with my best friend for spring break to go to Colorado, which has prompted an even more intense look into new things to change. I know I have to make time, so I told my daughter to make a work out schedule and or plan a workout. I am still waiting to get either, but have realized one important aspect, time. I can schedule a workout in the morning for about 20 minutes, my issue is with getting up and actually go it. I have before, so it isnt an issue of knowing if I can, I have. In looking at the root of problems, you have to peel back a couple of layers. (Kind of like tech support) It dawns on me, I am not going to get up in the earlier in the morning, if I have not gone to be by 10 pm the night before. I can probably count on three fingers the number of times I was in bed by 10 pm with in the last 30 days. There are nights when I am up late, but those are mainly when I do not have to be up the next morning. This week my goal is to work on being in bed by 10 pm. I have all the equipment to do 20 minutes of core or strength training at home: jump rope, stability ball, kettle bell, resistance bands and weights. Goal: In bed by 10 pm M-Th. A wonderful paring with this, would be a bottle of water a night, before bed. You would think I would be able to get my daily water in, being up all those extra hours, but no. Sadly, its 2 pm and I have had no water for the day. Now would be a good time to change that. I was also told millet is a good grain, I have never had any, so I went and bought some. I am going to us the millet in this weeks meal prep, I have found recipes I want to try out.
Today as we observe Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, I reflect on the dream of one man. When we look at where we have come from, I realize a dream could change so much. I appreciate the struggle and sacrifice of the people who have come before me. I am thankful because the roads they have paved, the determination and hard work poured out, I am able to live this wonderful gift of life. I can not think of a more fitting way to celebrate than to live this life to the fullest. (😉 *wink* As I look up at God, He knew this all along).
Thank you for the world that awakes
In the dawning light that breaks
And for the sunlight kissin' my face
Thank You
And for the stars out on parade
At the ending of each day
So even in the dark I'm sayin'
Thank you
When I look at the world around me
And breathe in the breathe You gave
Every beat of my heart is singing
Thank You for everything
If You lead me to still waters
If I'm caught in the hurricane
Wherever You lead I'm singing
Thank You for everything
(Thank You, thank You)
Thank You for the gift of friends
Who know everywhere I've been
And love me back home again
Thank You
And for the ones who let me down
And taught me what I now know
Of forgiveness and the freedom I've found
Thank you
When I look at the world around me
And breathe in the breathe You gave
Every beat of my heart is singing
Thank You for everything
If You lead me to still waters
If I'm caught in the hurricane
Wherever you lead I'm singing
Thank You for everything
Thank You for everything
Every second I live
Is a moment You give
So I welcome them in
I welcome them in
The day after day
The joy and the pain
I welcome them in
I welcome them in
Thank You for the hardest parts
And the beauty of these scars
Even though it broke my heart
Thank You
Thank You
Thank You
Thank You
When I look at the world around me
And breathe in the breathe You gave
Every beat of my heart is singing
Thank You for everything
If you lead me to still waters
If I'm caught in the hurricane
Wherever You lead I'm singing
Thank You for everything
(Thank You, Thank You)
(Thank You, Thank You)
(Thank You, Thank You)
(Thank You, Thank You)
This song speaks to every part of my life right now. The words just keep playing in every moment of my day, every uncertainty, every heartbreak, every fear, every disappointment, every set back. God knows I need this, He and only He knows "How I am doing".
Have you stopped reaching?
No longer seeking greater things
Have you forgotten you have a Father listening? oh
He tells the sun when to rise
Gives the wind it's breath
Swings a door wide open and moves in a moment you least expect
Don't you give up on a miracle
You've got to speak to the impossible, oh
You've got to pray till you break through breaks through the ceiling keep on believing
Don't you give up
Don't you give up on a miracle
How many chances?
How many answers pass us by?
You know it takes faith to step on the waves when you're terrified
So when you're packed in a corner (corner)
And can't wait any longer
Don't you give up on a miracle
You've got to speak to the impossible, oh
You've got to pray till you break through breaks through the ceiling keep on believing
Don't you give up
Don't you give up on a miracle
Feels like the presents the words you've spoken
They go unnoticed like drops in the ocean
Just beyond the veil of your vision
Your mountains are moving, moving on
Remember the works his hand has done
Where you once were and how far you've come, oh
Don't you give up on a miracle
You've got to speak to the impossible, oh
You've got to pray till you break through breaks through the ceiling keep on believing
Don't you give up on a miracle (don't you give up)
You've got to speak to the impossible, oh (you've got to speak, keep on believing)
Pray till you break through breaks through the ceiling keep on believing
Don't you give up
Don't you give up on a miracle
Pray till you break through breaks through the ceiling keep on believing
Songwriters: Jason Walker / Chad Mattson / Tedd Andrew Tjornhom / Jon Lowry
