Not gonna lie, been starting to slip. When stress creeps in, I am tend to start to lose focus and get off track. Signs are more noticeable. As I think more, my eating has not been what it should be. Eating out more times than I should, not taking lunch to work. I have also noticed my water consumption has declined and I skipped my workout on Friday. In theory, I postponed it until I felt more up for the work out. At least, that is what I am telling myself.
It's funny how God reminds me. Earlier this week, I agreed to volunteer for the Children's Ministry at my church. Today I was running late getting to church, so I was glad when I finally walked through the door. On my way to put my bag and iced coffee on the counter one of the most darling little girls asked "Are you having a baby?". " No, I'm just chunky", I said. That is when I thought, kids say the darnedest things. I couldn't even be upset. I look at it as a "kid friendly" reminder to focus. Later it help her request to go outside, I ended up tossing the football around with one of the other kids.
Two new recipes on my list to try:
(Creamy Tuscan Garlic Chicken)
I am BBQing for the Memorial Day Weekend. I have chicken marinating, will roast some corn on the cob, and made coleslaw. I went the vegan option for ribs, since Morning Star was on sale. I try vegan options from time to time. My life is by no means perfect, but when i tell you I am blessed. I make mistakes and I sin. I am human, who isn't. Despite all of me, there is a joy my Father, the king has put in my heart. That joy is His love.
I am in my feelings again. I have been working hard to stay on my grind, in order to avoid getting in my feelings. Things just seem to not be going the way I want them to go. I can't give up, though. I was brought up to never say "can't", I think my mom would be okay with it used this way. To make sure my mom lives on, I won't give up. Mother's Day this year was a little rough, but it was a good weekend. I got to "Live Service Out" and volunteer, I was blessed to be able to watch Shakespeare's "As You Like It" in the park underneath the stars with my daughter, and I visited my mom's grave site and planted flowers. I am blessed and grateful that my Lord and King has taken care of all my needs.
It is a nice day out, which makes a good excuse to BBQ on the grill. I have a wine cooler that has had my name on it for about three weeks now. Last week, I came across a recipe online. There are a couple of my favorite super foods thrown together. The recipe is Warm Roasted Eggplant, Mushroom & Kale Salad:
This is awesome with some baked chicken or salmon and good for you. Warning: If you are not used to eating these foods, though they are good for you, your stomach isn't really gonna know what is happening and may react accordingly.
I tend to be a minimalist when it comes to social interactions and developing relationships.
Recently the realization came to me, I love being of service, and problem solve, and will not run from a challenge. On the other hand I have a hard time trusting others. What this translates as I will be there to help or when there is a problem and support is needed; but I am off to something else once the issue is resolved. Essentially, I would be available when needed, but would rather return to doing task or taking actions instead of getting to know or build relationships.
I try to get out weekly and be social. Today after my weekly outing, I felt even more like wanting to disconnect. I want to retreat, to me alone and revert back to comfort zone. In my head, I am in my feelings. I want to stop going to these weekly social outings and go at this alone.
I am not going to give up, I can't give up. My progress may slow, but I am still moving forward.
My situation seems rough at times, my journey feels so long. I look to God, and put my trust in Him. He is my strength and grace, I am most thankful for His love. I find my hope in Him.
I cant sleep. Likely because I took a nap earlier. I have been reading, but my mind keeps making it's way back to this guy. I talk to God about him, something that is new for me. I have asked God if I can love him. You know for a sign, or confirmation that I can let go and love him. I am beyond afraid, though. Afraid he doesn't feel the same, afraid that even, if he does, I am going to mess up. I have been told I am not easy to love. Would he stick it out when my insecurities and doubt start flooding in? Would he think it is too much work to love me and leave? An ex boyfriend once told me he could not love me the way I wanted. My ex left me feeling as though something was wrong with me. I fear this guy, can love me. I fear the potential I see in his heart to love me inspite my imperfections. What shall I do with myself if he is the answer to my prayers? How can I sleep when my soul seems to want to dance or catch up with an old friend. What do I do should God says its okay for me to love him. Should my heavenly Father give His blessing, what then? I love hard, with all that I am. But am I worthy? God speak to me, I need to hear from you.
I keep reminding myself to stay grounded. If he wanted to talk to you, he would call. He could message also. Then I remeber: He is dating, don't make a fool of yourself. My heart has been broken into a million pieces before. I try every distraction and tact know to man to try and not think about him. Nothing works, especially when just seeing his smile makes my day brighter.
These are the thoughts running through my mind at almost 2 o'clock in the morning. I'm not sure if I should even publish this, these are just some feelings I wanted to get off my mind.
(Creamy Tuscan Garlic Chicken)
