"I can't deal. The senseless killing is the reason I stopped watching the television show: The First 48. The recent events in Texas and the two men killed by law enforcement is senseless, and a tragedy. I have not mentioned or made any comment towards the events on social media. Some view this as silence. Many have expressed their anger and disgust with those who have not said anything about the events. The pain and hurt of these events are felt deep, not just into my soul, but to the heart of a our nation.. My heart aches for families and future generations affected. I am overwhelmed with just coping with the actions, nothing in life prepares you for this. To be honest, I don't know what to say."
The above post was written after initially finding out the events that took place. I still don't know what to say. I turned to God, the only answer I have. I talked to Him and asked Him to put it on my heart how to give Him glory even in this situation. One thought, a phrase came to mind: "One nation, under God.". We are one nation, made of different nationalities, cultures and subsets. I don't have answers, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, have a plan or even an idea where to start. What I know is we need to pray for our nation. So, If you think my silence is deafening and you don't think I am doing enough, know that I am praying. Bring your brokenness and I will bring mine, we can meet at the cross.
Today was one of those days. I am feeling bloated, unattractive and undesirable. I could tell my mind was reverting to that "Stinkin Thinkin" mentality. I want to avoid going there. I asked two people to go with me to the gym. Unfortunately, both fell through; It turned out for the best. I ended up reaching out to a friend and we chatted about waiting for God and His timing. We talked about how difficult it is to give up control and place things in Gods hands, but we can take comfort in knowing it will be well worth the wait.
I say a post that reminded me so much of me. This is the post:
This week, I find myself "In the eye of the storm".
He is strengthening me; while bringing me closer to Him. I thank God for my trials and tribulation and give Him all glory and praise.
Its the hardest thing to walk by faith and trust in God when you are going through a storm. Right now, I am in the eye of the storm. I feel completely vulnerable and exposed. Things are happening outside of my control. I know God is working in my life and this is where I find my comfort. I worry at times, though I know I shouldn't. It is because I don't know what He is doing. My Savior is all knowing and wants only good things for me. I pray He gives me clarity, I pray for grace and in His will and his time, for ultimately His glory.
Its no secret that I have been single for some time now. There are times when loneliness weighs heavy on my heart and I desire nothing more than to be in a relationship. Then there are times like now, when I am in the storm; and I need to focus. You see I tend to be "hyper-focused". I am better able to focus on a task than on people. I don't want my insecurities, doubts, or fears projected onto another person. My current situation is a good example. I am struggling, I don't want the guy that God has for me to see me struggling. I want to be an uplifting, encouraging and supportive. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware relationships are not always rainbows and sunshine, I just believe they have a better chance when they start off on a good setting. When in the storm, its easier to focus on praying over issues or giving it over to God and focusing on Him.
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Things seem to be coming at me in all directions. Dealing with everything on my own just feels overwhelming at times, Through tears, prayers, praise and petitions to God, I know this too shall pass and I will get through this. I am just so tired of fighting to be strong and hold my head up in spite of all my set backs each and every day, day in and day out. Its hard trusting even in God, to know though I can not see the outcome, this is frustrating. God has a plan for this season, and this plan will bring Him glory. The above quote helps me to remember: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9
A friend from church sent me a link to "On Being Single", a radio broadcast. This broadcasting gave me a good bit of insight and clarity.
On Being Single http://www.fromhisheart.org/player?bid=61125081-dfb0-4254-aeb2-c239b74efe88
This broadcast further confirms, the need to wait on Gods timing. I want to be with someone who wants to be in relationship. I saw an old television show today that I have not seen in a long time: Cheaters. There was one story that I am sure is all to common in relationships. The woman was under the impression she and this guy were "together" since she had been there for him for several years. When I say been there, she was pouring in her love and time, while satisfying his physical needs. However, when he took calls in the middle of the night for his business, he would say they were "just friends". He actually didn't want a relationship (though of course he wanted the benefits). This selfishness is hurtful, if a woman wants more and a man does not, why not be mature enough to walk away and leave her alone. This woman has now invested time and wasted several year of her life trying to make a man happy who has no concern for her happiness or her heart.
I want to love slow and deliberate. It should be with someone who wants a relationship, someone who will want to put in the work to make the relationship last. This is the reason I am waiting for God. I am willing to wait for the the person God has for me that is just as hard a worker as I am, I deserve a guy that is willing and able.
Enough of being in my feelings. I will keep my head up and let God direct the right man to me. In the mean time, I will be content with being single.
There are a couple of songs I have heard at just the right time.
Lyrics
Another heartbreak day
Feels like you’re miles away
Don’t even need no shade
When your sun don’t shine, shine
Too many passin’ dreams
Roll by like limousines
It’s hard to keep believin’
When they pass you by and by
I know your heart been broke again I know your prayers ain’t been answered yet I know you’re feeling like you got nothing left Well, lift your head, it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet so
Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on
Move, keep walkin’ until the mornin’ comes
Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on
And lift your head, it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet
Echoin’ inside your head
Are the words that your sweet momma said,
“shoot for the moon, my dear”
So you took aim out of this atmosphere
Between high stakes and pump fakes
You’re feelin’ like you can’t buy a break
I can hold your hand, but I can’t turn your eyes to freedom
I know your heart been broke again
I know your prayers ain’t been answered yet
I know you’re feeling like you got nothing left
Well, lift your head, it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet so
Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on
Move, keep walkin’ until the mornin’ comes
Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on
And lift your head, it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet
Hold on, hold on
Lord ain’t finished yet
Hold on, hold on
He’ll get you through this
Hold on, hold on
These are the promises
I never will forget
I never will forget [x2]
I know your heart been broke again
I know your prayers ain’t been answered yet
it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet so
Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on
Move, keep walkin’ until the mornin’ comes
Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on
And lift your head, it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet..
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