Alone

Holiday depression is real.  I know, because I am struggling through it.  This song has given me hope to push through. 

Miracle by Unspoken

All my hope. . .

I just finished watching my new  favorite television show: This Is Us. I don't get a chance to watch very much television now a days. This is Us is kind of like my little entertainment indulgence.  I have class on Tuesdays and then end the night with this warming and heart grabbing show.  Today, one of the characters said: "I have nothing to give".  When I heard this, things just made sense. I've want so badly at times to freely give of myself and love hard. All the while day dreaming of the love I will receive in return. I love hard and with everything in me.  What if there is nothing there. I get it now. For some, life has thrown a lot at them, and it takes everything inside of them to keep it together. They just don't have anything to give. I am sorry, it took this long for me to understand. I get it now and can not ask someone to give what they do not have.

My anxiety has been rather high lately causing my eating to be hit and miss. When I take time to plan ahead, I do pretty well.  I eat healthy meals and stay within my food plan. When I do not plan ahead, things go a wry, I stress eat.

I had a big presentation today, which didn't go the way I wanted. I am struggling with my career.  My GPA is not be where it needs to be; I not have the clinical laboratory or research experience I need to show on my CV.  I have taken a long time to get my degree, been busy being a mom.  I refuse to give up. I may not have the position I want; I may not learn by conventional ways of learning. What I can say is that I won't give up.  I know my worth, and though I struggle to "sell myself", I will.  I will do what they say I can not do, I will be who they say I can not be.

In His grace

I will admit, I felt foolish this week. I have been praying and talking to my Savior about a lot of aspects of my life where I am unhappy. Prayer requests, friends and family have been a part of my regular payer time,  but there were times when I questioned if my prayers were even being heard.  I am grateful, I have a Savior, a King, that looks past my doubts and fears. I am humbled in saying prayer does work.  Last week I found my self with this contradicting feeling.  I did not want to be around people, but I wanted to feel connection with another person. I didn't want to feel alone, but I wanted to be left alone. After some time of meandering around in my mind with this feeling, I realize I have to move on. It was then that I started to think I am blessed.  Not just blessed, but blessed with the best God has for me. There are some with no place to lay their head tonight. There are some who do no know when they will receive their next meal.  Others do not have a vehicle or reliable transportation to get to work and provide. During one of my many prayers, I asked my King to show me He hears my prays, help me to know He hears my cries.  When I think of how blessed I am in the different areas of my, that is my reassurance.  God is working in my life, that is most evident right now in my life. The foolish human in me keeps trying to get him to work on another aspect.  I may not be where I want to be in my life right now,- no, I am definitely, not where I would like to be with my life. God has me where he wants me for this season. So I am going to let go and walk in His grace and mercy.

Done

I am so over it with the feelings.  This shit is for the birds.