He is enough.

I am afraid. I am so afraid of not being able to provide and not being protected. I seem to run straight to the world to try and find what will fix the problem and take away the fear. Sadly, it isn't until after I have been disappointed by the world, that I run in tears to the arms of my Savior, my King. I realized, I was unsure of what that looked liked. I know it is normal to want to feel provided for and protected.  I remember hearing in the scriptures of Matthew, " Ask ". When I did, well, then I began to uncover the answers I needed. 

"Say Amen"

Finding Favour

Alone

Holiday depression is real.  I know, because I am struggling through it.  This song has given me hope to push through. 

Miracle by Unspoken

All my hope. . .

I just finished watching my new  favorite television show: This Is Us. I don't get a chance to watch very much television now a days. This is Us is kind of like my little entertainment indulgence.  I have class on Tuesdays and then end the night with this warming and heart grabbing show.  Today, one of the characters said: "I have nothing to give".  When I heard this, things just made sense. I've want so badly at times to freely give of myself and love hard. All the while day dreaming of the love I will receive in return. I love hard and with everything in me.  What if there is nothing there. I get it now. For some, life has thrown a lot at them, and it takes everything inside of them to keep it together. They just don't have anything to give. I am sorry, it took this long for me to understand. I get it now and can not ask someone to give what they do not have.

My anxiety has been rather high lately causing my eating to be hit and miss. When I take time to plan ahead, I do pretty well.  I eat healthy meals and stay within my food plan. When I do not plan ahead, things go a wry, I stress eat.

I had a big presentation today, which didn't go the way I wanted. I am struggling with my career.  My GPA is not be where it needs to be; I not have the clinical laboratory or research experience I need to show on my CV.  I have taken a long time to get my degree, been busy being a mom.  I refuse to give up. I may not have the position I want; I may not learn by conventional ways of learning. What I can say is that I won't give up.  I know my worth, and though I struggle to "sell myself", I will.  I will do what they say I can not do, I will be who they say I can not be.

In His grace

I will admit, I felt foolish this week. I have been praying and talking to my Savior about a lot of aspects of my life where I am unhappy. Prayer requests, friends and family have been a part of my regular payer time,  but there were times when I questioned if my prayers were even being heard.  I am grateful, I have a Savior, a King, that looks past my doubts and fears. I am humbled in saying prayer does work.  Last week I found my self with this contradicting feeling.  I did not want to be around people, but I wanted to feel connection with another person. I didn't want to feel alone, but I wanted to be left alone. After some time of meandering around in my mind with this feeling, I realize I have to move on. It was then that I started to think I am blessed.  Not just blessed, but blessed with the best God has for me. There are some with no place to lay their head tonight. There are some who do no know when they will receive their next meal.  Others do not have a vehicle or reliable transportation to get to work and provide. During one of my many prayers, I asked my King to show me He hears my prays, help me to know He hears my cries.  When I think of how blessed I am in the different areas of my, that is my reassurance.  God is working in my life, that is most evident right now in my life. The foolish human in me keeps trying to get him to work on another aspect.  I may not be where I want to be in my life right now,- no, I am definitely, not where I would like to be with my life. God has me where he wants me for this season. So I am going to let go and walk in His grace and mercy.

Done

I am so over it with the feelings.  This shit is for the birds.

Where hope can be found

This week has been an emotional roller coaster.   "My Bestie" and I talked, to work through some of my emotions and to be supportive through her emotional week. We started talking about discomfort in your feelings.  The feelings that just do not seem to go away, nor are they easily ignored. We acknowledged most people have built in coping mechanism, a temporary solution to an underlying issue.  A good analogy  would be taking over the counter medicine for a recurring headache.  The medicines are treating the symptom, not addressing the cause of the headaches.    We use everything from overeating, to alcohol, drugs, sex and even other people (when it comes to loneliness) to try and not feel that pain. Its the pain that gets most people, this is what so many want to just numb and not feel. Numb the pain of loss, loneliness, disappointment, failure, inadequacy, insecurity and  hurt.  My friend said she was told you have to feel the discomfort, feel the pain and not do, but leave yourself raw and open.  F***, that, I told her to me, that feels like nothing less than being a baby and sitting in a "shitty" diaper.  Its uncomfortable, you can't do anything about it, you have to just feel ? She got a good laugh out of my "shitty" diaper analogy, but really who wants to do that? 

Our talk actually came at a good time, it was something we both needed.  Lately, I have been struggling when it comes to my feelings.  Struggles with loneliness and struggles with feelings I have for a guy.  It is no secret I have been single for quite some time.  I would have never acknowledged this before, but I have feelings for someone.  Now that I have gotten that out, I have no idea what to do with it. The fear of rejection keeps me from just telling this person, while the loneliness brings silent tears, that are never seen. (Yes, I cry. I am human).  I was watching a television show, where a  lady revealed feelings she had for a co-worker. She was becoming more and more jealous of the  women in his life.  She just couldn't take it anymore and she told him she had feelings for him for a while. He told her  he also has had feelings for her for a while. For dramatic affect, and entertainment purposes I am sure, she got to get that kiss.  You know that kiss as though "I-have-put-everything-out on-the-table, and-I-may-not-get-another-chance, so-I-am-taking-this-one-kiss."  I know it does not work like that in real life, and I resent the television shows and social media for making it seem it does.

One of my bad habits is putting other people on a pedestal and then not wanting to deal with them once they fall short and prove they are human.  I also try and think the very best of people, until I am proven otherwise. I reason that I am keeping an open mind and not being judgmental.  Unfortunately,  this further compounds my issues with trust. I start to analyze and overthink the situation, to the point that I have to find a distraction before it consumes me. Normally, I would deal with this on my own and no one would ever know. You see, I have very little trust for others. Likely because I have had trust issues for so long, and there are not very many people who have proven me wrong. Yet, I still long for and stay up at night wanting to feel that connection with another person. It took me a long time to realize manipulative people will take advantage of this, if given the chance.

Lately, I felt so frustrated and have wanted to give up.  I have felt discouraged, lost, and broken, when my simple desire is to feel that connection with another person and be loved. Thank God,  I keep hearing this little voice, this whisper that says "Hold on, don't give up, keep going."   This is what I will listen to, trust and keep in my heart. The rest, I will let go.

"O' Lord"

Whoa...

Though times it seems
Like I'm coming undone
This walk can often feel lonely
No matter what until this race is won
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found

Oh, O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face this I know in time
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right

Whoa...

Your strength is found
At the end of my road
Your grace it reaches to the hurting
Still through the tears and the questioning why
I will stand my ground where hope can be found!
I will stand my ground where hope can be found!

Oh, O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face This I know in time
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
(Right, so Right)
Make it Right,
(Right so Right)
Make it Right, Right

I will stand my ground
I will stand my ground

I will stand my ground where hope can be found!
I will stand my ground where hope can be found!

Oh! O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face this I know in time
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
(Right, so Right)
Make it Right,
(Right so Right)
Make it Right, Right

I surrender

Today was a good day, lunch was especially memorable. I found out about a good dentist in town.  It is times like this, I wish I had a therapist to tell about my day- a blog post will have to suffice. Things have been going crazy, it reminds me of  lyrics to this song: "So much to do in so little time, ", "It’s off to the races everybody out the door. I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life"  There is work, school, and an abnormal check up with my teenager, this is just touching the surface. 
I have come close to losing it at times, but held it together and pushed on. Strong is in my genetics, my family has a lot of strong women who set great examples.  No family is perfect, I have learned though, a bad family is better than no family. I miss my mom, she would have loved to hear about my lunch today. 
I am looking forward to the Big Church night out concert coming on October 28th, of course I have already signed up to volunteer.  My issues with food are work in progress,  I know this will always be a challenge.  I have my bad days, there are times when I feel as though I will never reach my goal. I also have feelings of unworthiness and self doubt.  The difference is now I have the tools to deal with the issues I am facing. I have a wonderful support system and will push, on taking each day one at a time. 

Gracefully Broken

Different

To day was eye opening. I was ask what I wanted to do.  Before I answered, he said "You will only be happy if you are productive and you are paid enough".  It dawned on me, feeling productive does make me happy.

God help me. . . .

God Help Me

There is a wrestling in my heart and my mind
A disturbance and a tension I cannot seem to drive 
And if I'm honest, there's quite a bit of fear 
To sit here in this silence and really hear You 

What will you ask of me?
Will I listen to your voice when you speak?

Help me to move
Help me to see
Help me to do whatever you would ask of me 
Help me to go 
(Or) God help me to stay 

I'm feeling so alone here 
And I know that You're faithful But I can barely breathe 
God help me

Sometimes things, they are black and white
But sometimes they are not and it leaves us torn inside
And in the middle we are left to wonder
Who we are, what You want and where we're going
Oh such a mystery
I don't always understand
But I believe

Help me to move
Help me to see
Help me to do whatever you would ask of me 
Help me to go 
(Or) God help me to stay 
I'm feeling so alone here 
And I know that You're faithful But I can barely breathe 
God help me

I don't know the future
It's one day at a time 
But I know I'll be okay with Your Hand holding mine 
So take all my resistance 
Oh God I need Your grace 
One step and then the other Show me the way 
Show me the way

Help me to move
Help me to see
Help me to do whatever you would ask of me 
Help me to go 
(Or) God help me to stay 
I'm feeling so alone here 
And I know that You're faithful But I can barely breathe 
God help me

-Plumb

I am in every word of this song right now. . . God help me. 

Just hold on, and I'll find you

I am so tired.  I'm tired of feeling tired and tired of being lonely.

I'll Find You

Lecrae

Just fight a little longer my friend
It's all worth it in the end
But when you got nobody to turn to
Just hold on, and I'll find you
I'll find you
I'll find you
Just hold on, and I'll find you

I'm hanging on by a thread
And all I'm clinging to is prayers
And every breath is like a battle
I feel like I ain't come prepared
And death's knockin' on the front door
Pain's creepin' through the back
Fear's crawlin' through the windows
Waiting for em' to attack
They say "Don't get bitter, get better"
I'm working on switching them letters
But tell God I'mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together
I'm smilin' in everyone's face
I'm cryin' whenever they leave the room
They don't know the battle I face
They don't understand what I'm going through
The world tryna play with my soul
I'm just tryna find where to go
I'm tryna remember the way
I'm tryna get back to my home
But, I can't do this on my own
That's why I'm just trusting in you
Cuz' I don't know where else to go
And, I don't know what else to do

Just fight a little longer my friend
It's all worth it in the end
But, when you've got nobody to turn to
Just hold on, and I'll find you
Just fight a little longer my friend
It's all worth it in the end
But, when you've got nobody to turn to
Just hold on, and I'll find you
I'll find you
I'll find you
Just hold on, and I'll find you
I'll find you
I'll find you
Just hold on, and I'll find you
They say fear haunts
And pain hates
I say pain strengthens
And fear drives faith
And I don't know all of the outcomes
Don't know what happens tomorrow
But when that ocean of doubt comes
Don't let me drown in my sorrow
And don't let me stay at the bottom
I feel like this hole is too deep to climb
I've been lookin' for a way out
But I'll settle for a peace of mind
Picking up the pieces of my life and hopin' that I'll put together something right
Tell me all I got is all I need
Tell me you gon' help me stand and fight

The world trying to play with my soul
I'm just tryna find where to go
I'm trying to remember the way
I'm trying to get back to my home
But, I can't do this on my own
That's why I'm just trusting in you
Cuz' I don't know where else to go
And, I don't know what else to do
No don't let the fear
Make you feel like you can't fight this on your own
You know I, I'll be there for you no matter where you go
You'll never be alone, no

Just fight a little longer my friend
It's all worth it in the end
But, when you've got nobody to turn to
Just hold on, and I'll find you
Just fight a little longer my friend
It's all worth it in the end
But, when you've got nobody to turn to
Just hold on, and I'll find you
I'll find you
I'll find you
Just hold on, and I'll find you
I'll find you
I'll find you
Just hold on, and I'll find you

Songwriters: Daniel Majic / John Mitchell / Justin Franks / Lecrae Moore / Natalie Sims / Sasha Sloan / Victoria Kelly

Broken Things

 I presented a community service project today and I am elated.   I got everything accomplished and still remained flexible and open.  Being someone that is very focused and driven, any deviations are unlikely without extensive analysis.  I started to get nervous and the anxiety started to roll in at the last minute. However,  I worked through it and  was grateful for the opportunity in the end.  To say I have a lot on my plate right now is a gross understatement. Recently, I have attained more responsibilities while making major changes to my current responsibilities. Moving forward, I think I will be using more of this "Focused and Flexible" approach.

Meshes Sands

I saw this video and well, it speaks for itself.  Volumes. 

First time visit to Meshes Sands.  June 17th 2017. 

Thankful.

     Thankful.  I have so many blessings of which I am thankful.  Don't get me wrong or let my appearance fool you.  I get depressed and I have anxiety. This weekend I was reminded, if we keep our blessings in focus and what God has done for us, the negativity and anxiety subsides.  What could I be anxious about? Well, finances for one.  My daughter's school tuition will be due again in a few months and will need to go shopping for school clothes and  supplies.  I have been looking for extra work, or some place I can get in hours, but getting no where.  This would have sent me to drown my worries in a whole cheesecake in the past. I have learned from experience, I am not going to get the relief I am looking for nor am I going to feel any better after I devour cheesecake.  I am blessed to have gained knowledge and tools over the years to deal with this anxiety.  I also want to get my passport this year, get back in school and work on furthering some other projects.
     So, I am thankful for having a roof over my head, food in my fridge, clothes on my back, reliable transportation, the health of my self and my daughter (though I am overweight, I know there are people who were not able to get up or out of bed without the assistance of another)  and so much more.  As I sit here looking around my place, I realize what I am most thankful for is the love of my Savior.  He has always provided for me, when I was unsure about moving, he made a way.  When I tried to get my daughter in her current high school, He made a way. When I wasn't sure how I was going to pay for her tuition last year, He made a way.  I make mistakes and fail, I am human, I have doubts fears.  I should be comfortable in just knowing He has always provided for me in the past. He has always been there to see me through the rough times.  It is through these times praying, focusing on the humility and being thankful have gotten me through so much anxiety and heart ache.
     I am also thankful for God's timing.  Being grateful for his timing is hard.   I am grateful that I am not in a loveless, affection less marriage, that I am not tied to someone in the eyes of God and feeling alone.  I couldn't imagine anything more heart breaking. Expecting to have your needs met, whether it be physically with affection, emotionally, or otherwise by your partner, yet not getting what you need, can be overwhelming.  It takes both people in the relationship working hard to make sure they are doing everything possible to be help for the other person.   I do not mind hard work, one might even say I like hard work.  The return on hard work is normally good, if not great.  My thinking is if you work hard, you can play hard without any worries.   All around me I keep hearing the saying "God's timing" lately.  I can not see the whole picture like God can, so I get worried, and even afraid.  Afraid, because like a child being away from their parents for the first time, a teen going off to college or a mom giving birth for the first time, you do not know what is going to happen.  I watched a movie this weekend that helped remind me, that I may not know what is coming up ahead or anything for that matter, but I know God will be there with me.
    The movie I watched this weekend, that helped me arrive at this new outlook was the Shack. Disclaimer, I cried for at least half the movie.  The movie was about forgiveness and love, two of the most hardest things a to deal with in this walk through life.  It is amazing, that we learn how to deal with it because of how we were taught by our Savior, the King. Thanks, Papa.
Keep Your Eyes On Me:


                                    





                                                     



 



This guy is my absolute favorite public figure.  When I am down, I just look online and he always says something uplifting and inspirational. He has such a respect for women, it helps me keep hope there is a guy it out there for me still, I just have to wait for God's timing.  I happened to be looking for the song to post on this blog and found this video of Daniel E. Henderson.

He is funny to boot and sexier than anything.  He is sensitive and strong, not to mention brave enough to share is journey online and it is amazing. 

                                                       

Hill of Beans

     I like trying new things.  My current plan of eating or meal plan calls for high amounts of protein and fibers and low to no carbohydrates, processed or "refined" foods.  It is more economical for me to  shop at Sam's for big quantities of protein like eggs, fish, chicken and shrimp. Veggies are the next food group to provide a good balance of nutrients and caloric content for energy.  The Flea Market is another good place besides Sam's club to get veggies.  I can make a mean spinach salad, but I need some more variety.  This lead me to take  a look around the food pyramid, where I found beans.
     This week I tried dark red kidney beans first. They were canned, but they didn't take  nearly as long, it was more heating up once they were washed.  The beans were swimming in this gooey juice, which was mainly preservatives. I read somewhere it is best to make the dry beans, to avoid this preservative goo.  I decided to go traditional southern on Friday and make black-eyed peas with smoked sausage.  This is the recipe I used:

Smoked Sausage and Black-Eyed Peas

(Adapted from Emeril Lagasse’s recipe)

12 – 16 ounces smoked sausage

1 cup chopped yellow onion

½ teaspoon salt

¼ teaspoon cayenne

4 whole cloves garlic

5 sprigs of fresh thyme

4 bay leaves

3 teaspoons finely chopped Italian parsley

8 cups chicken stock

1 pound dried black-eyed peas, rinsed and drained

1 tablespoon minced garlic

Minced green onions, to garnish (optional)

1. Slice the sausage and cook it in a large pot over medium heat to render some of the fat. (Mine didn’t yield much.)

2. Add the onions, salt, cayenne, whole garlic cloves, bay leaves, thyme, and parsley to the pan. Cook, stirring occasionally, for about 5 minutes, until the onion begins to soften.

3. Add the chicken stock, black-eyed peas, and minced garlic.

4. Bring to a boil, and simmer, covered for about 1 ½ hours, until the peas are tender. Serve garnished with green onions, if desired.

     This recipe was so simple, however I managed to make  it way more difficult.  You see I was putting off making dinner. Finally, I decided I was going to make the recipe above, using dry peas I bought at New Leaf Market.  The recipe said the peas were to boil for an hour and half.  Since I bought the peas in bulk, they didn't come with directions if they needed to be soaked or not.  I had a genius idea to not soak them first, but to put them on the stove on high heat.  Things were going really well at first, I was checking on them regularly and adding water as needed.  Then my friend called that I haven't talked to in a while. I am on my balcony when I hear this loud beeping noise. I was just thinking to myself, look somebody is somewhere burning something. When I walked back into the the kitchen, there was smoke everywhere.  

The smoke alarm was going off.  The smell of burnt beans permeated through the house. Surprisingly, once I removed the burnt beans on the bottom and cleaned the pot, the peas turned out really good.

     What I had not planned for was the aftermath.  Beans and peas have a lot of fiber, kidney beans and black-eyed peas especially.  It was not 30 minutes after I had finished dinner, my stomach started to do flip flops.  I ended up with the "bubble guts", and didn't even see it coming. My stomach was not used to all the fiber. 

I have a lot of other beans or peas I want to try.  I never realized how many lentils there were, green, orange, red, the list really goes on. I got two big bags of whole black lentils on clearance.  Looking forward to the new recipes using black lentils. 

     Numbers are can play a big part of weight loss. For me it can be a source of contention and anxiety.  Many people are so fixated on the number that they become obsessive. I tend to be upset because I feel there should have been more of a change in the number for the amount of work I have done. I hate having to factor in muscle gain. What I am trying to say is I tend to stay away from the scale, because I can get fixated on the numbers. I thought it would be healthy to look for other ways to show growth and success with maintaining a healthy lifestyle.  I found this, Non scale Victories:

                                     

                                   

                                       

     I have been really distracted lately, fantasizing about scenarios of this guy.    I asked God to just make it clear to me if I should try and pursue getting to know him better or not.  It finally clicked in my head today, to move on, this fantasizing was just in my head. Letting go is not easy, but if am to get anywhere, I need to focus.  

                                

                                   

Time to hustle and grind. . . .

                          

                                                                      Come back by Danny Gokey

Kids say the darnedest things.

Not gonna lie, been starting to slip. When stress creeps in, I am tend to start to lose focus and get off track. Signs are more noticeable.  As I think more, my eating has not been what it should be.  Eating out more times than I should, not taking lunch to work.  I have also noticed my water consumption has declined and I skipped my workout on Friday.  In theory, I postponed it until I felt more up for the work out.  At least, that is what I am telling myself.
It's funny how God reminds me.  Earlier this week, I agreed to volunteer for the Children's Ministry at my church.  Today I was running late getting to church, so I was glad when I finally walked through the door.  On my way to put my bag and iced coffee on the counter one of the most darling little girls asked "Are you having a baby?".   " No, I'm just chunky", I said. That is when I thought, kids say the darnedest things. I couldn't even be upset. I look at it as a "kid friendly" reminder to focus. Later it help her request to go outside, I ended up tossing the football around with one of the other kids.

Two new recipes on my list to try:

                          (Creamy Tuscan Garlic Chicken)




I am BBQing for the Memorial Day Weekend. I have chicken marinating, will roast some corn on the cob, and made coleslaw.  I went the vegan option for ribs, since Morning Star was on sale. I try vegan options from time to time.  My life is by no means perfect, but when i tell you I am blessed. I make mistakes and I sin. I am human, who isn't. Despite all of me, there is a joy my Father, the king has put in my heart. That joy is His love.

"Strength is not always loud"

I have this hope. . .

I am in my feelings again.  I have been working hard to stay on my grind, in order to avoid getting in my feelings.  Things just seem to not be going the way I want them to go.  I can't give up, though.  I was brought up to never say "can't", I think my mom would be okay with it used this way. To make sure my mom lives on, I won't give up.  Mother's Day this year was a little rough, but it was a good weekend. I got to "Live Service Out" and volunteer, I was blessed to be able to watch Shakespeare's "As You Like It" in the park underneath the stars with my daughter, and I visited my mom's grave site and planted flowers.  I am blessed and grateful that my Lord and King has taken care of all my needs.

It is a nice day out, which makes a good excuse to BBQ on the grill. I have a wine cooler that has had my name on it for about three weeks now.  Last week, I came across a recipe online.  There are a couple of my favorite super foods thrown together. The recipe is Warm Roasted Eggplant, Mushroom & Kale Salad:



This is awesome with some baked chicken or salmon and good for you. Warning: If you are not used to eating these foods, though they are good for you, your stomach isn't really gonna know what is happening and may react accordingly.

I tend to be a  minimalist when it comes to social interactions and developing relationships.

Recently the realization came to me, I love being of service, and problem solve, and will not run from a challenge. On the other hand I have a hard time trusting others. What this translates as I will be there to help or  when there is a problem and support is needed; but I am off to something else once the issue is resolved. Essentially, I would be available when needed, but would rather return to doing task or taking actions instead of getting to know or build relationships.

I try to get out weekly and be social. Today after my weekly outing, I felt even more like wanting to disconnect. I want to retreat, to me alone and revert back to comfort zone. In my head, I am in my feelings. I want to stop going to these weekly social outings and go at this alone.

I am not going to give up, I can't give up. My progress may slow, but I am still moving forward.
My situation seems rough at times, my journey feels so long. I look to God, and put my trust in Him. He is my strength and grace, I am most thankful for His love.  I find my hope in Him.

Doubts, fears and insecurities.

I cant sleep. Likely because I took a nap earlier. I have been reading, but my mind keeps making it's way back to this guy.  I talk to God about him, something that is new for me. I have asked God if I can love him. You know  for a sign, or confirmation that I can let go and love him. I am beyond afraid, though. Afraid he doesn't feel the same, afraid that even, if he does, I am going to mess up.  I have been told I am not easy to love.  Would he stick it out when my insecurities and doubt start flooding in? Would he think it is too much work to love me and leave?  An ex boyfriend once told me he could not love me the way I wanted.  My ex left me feeling as though something was wrong with me.   I fear this guy, can love me.  I fear the potential I see in his heart to love me inspite my imperfections.  What shall I do with myself if he is the answer to my prayers? How can I sleep when my soul seems to want to dance or catch up with an old friend.  What do I do should God says its okay for me to love him.  Should my heavenly Father give His blessing, what then?  I love hard, with all that I am. But am I worthy? God speak to me, I need to hear from you. 
I keep reminding myself to stay grounded.  If he wanted to talk to you, he would call. He could message also. Then I remeber: He is dating, don't make a fool of yourself. My heart has been broken into a million pieces before.  I try every distraction and tact know to man to try and not think about him. Nothing works, especially when just seeing his smile makes my day brighter.

These are the thoughts running through my mind at almost 2 o'clock in the morning. I'm not sure if I should even publish this, these are just some feelings I wanted to get off my mind.

Happy Earth Day

I wanted to know when Earth Day was, since a friend mentioned it and was not sure if it was Friday or Saturday.  When I did a little research online, this is what I found:

When is Earth Day 2017? This observance always falls on April 22. On Earth Day, enjoy the tonic of fresh air, contact with the soil, and companionship with nature! Walk through the woods in search of emerging wildflowers and green moss. Go outside, no matter what the weather!

WHAT IS EARTH DAY?

Ever wondered how Earth Day started? This observance arose from an interest in gathering national support for environmental issues.

In 1970, San Francisco activist John McConnell and Wisconsin Senator Gaylord Nelson separately asked Americans to join in a grassroots demonstration. McConnell chose the spring equinox (March 21, 1970) and Nelson chose April 22.

Millions of people participated, and today Earth Day continues to be widely celebrated with events on both dates.

The most common practice of celebration is to plant new trees for Earth Day.

EARTH DAY ACTIVITIES AND IDEAS

Celebrate Earth Day!

• Plant wildflowers! See our article, Wild About Wildflowers.
• Go native! Plants thrive when they’re natural to your area. See our article on natural landscaping.
• Bring nature into the garden with plants that attract butterflies.
• Try an organic vegetable garden. Here are tips on organic seed-starting.
• Conserve water. See our tips on a water-wise garden.

Old Farmer's Almanac: http://www.almanac.com/content/when-earth-day-2017


I had forgot all about the Farmer's Almanac, the only place I ever seen one was when I went to visit my grandparents.  My grandparents have a farm in Monticello, we used to visit and stay with them during summer and holiday vacations.   In celebration of Earth Day I  have decided to cook outside on the grill, and stay on my eating plan. Dinner will be BBQ chicken and roasted brussel sprouts.

Last week was Easter, there was a lot going on. Everything I made was low-carb, high protein.  We had ham, green bean casserole, cauliflower (potato) salad :

It was really good, I made it just like regular potato salad, except with Greek yogurt instead of mayo. I also made a carrot cake, without white flour or sugar.  I used coconut flour and fax seed as substitute:  

I wanted to try something I had never tried before, so I also made tri-color roasted carrots: 

These were all easy to make, were really good and didn't leave me with Holiday eating regret: 

We had a lot of fun on Easter, we were invited over to the Campbell's who always make us feel like family.  The Campbell's are family from our church.  I usually spend Christmas alone because my daughter is with her father, this past Christmas, they invited me to spend Christmas with them. It was a lot of fun, we played this card game called "BOB", so much fun. 

Today I visited Sam's to pick up groceries for the week.  As I was leaving, a lady heading out the door looked at my buggy and asked, how do you make brussel sprouts. I explained to her that I roast them in the oven with salt, pepper and drizzle with olive oil. They are so good this way, I told her I put them in my omelet in the morning or in a frittata, not to mention they are filling and really good for you.  She said she had bought some once and boiled them, since she didn't like them, she never tried  again. 

                                                     

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (205 degrees C).
2. Place trimmed Brussels sprouts, olive oil, kosher salt, and pepper in a large resealable plastic bag. Seal tightly, and shake to coat. ...
3. Roast in the preheated oven for 30 to 45 minutes, shaking pan every 5 to 7 minutes for even browning.

Roasted Brussels Sprouts Recipe - Allrecipes.com

allrecipes.com/recipe/67952/roasted-brussels-sprouts/ 

                    Love this song and the video is pretty cool too. I wanna go back by David Dunn

Forgiveness

So my favorite radio station decides to launch a World's Biggest Small Group in the spring (Which reminds me I am behind on readings).  The theme is Forgiveness and this is my testimony.  I will admit when I heard forgiveness was the theme, I thought, eh this doesn't really apply to me. I decided to go along with the study, besides it could not hurt.

Today's  message was:  

So watch yourselves.
“If your brother or sister[a] sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”- Luke 17: 3-4

One of the Artist gave a testimony of when he was in college and had to exercise forgiveness.  This got me to thinking; I tend to let things go pretty easily. There isn't anyone that I need to give forgive.  Little did I realize, I still have to renew that forgiveness.
     For some reason my father came to mind, my earthly father, his name was Freddie.  Perhaps it was because he was the last and biggest forgiveness of my life. My father and I were estranged most of my life. I can count on both hands the times we spent together or the memories we shared.  I loved my grandfather like my father, but we didn't live with my grandparents.  One would think growing up without a father would not make that much of  difference. Fast forward 20 years and I am blogging about it instead of going to a Therapist. The only unforeseeable set back was a girl who would eventually turn into a lady that  didn't know how to be loved  or relate to a  man.
    Several months ago, it became evident, I had unresolved feels.  I was scrolling through social media (which may have been where I began to go wrong), and I came across a meme. I have looked and looked for the meme, but not been able to find it.  It said something to the effect of: Just because a guy is nice to you, does not mean he is interested in being in a relationship with you. The meme immediately made me feel I was lacking in tools and foundation.  I felt at a disadvantage.  It was then that I realized I had to forgive my father.
     You see at the time there was a guy that was being really nice to me and I found myself attracted to him and interested in getting to know him more. He was not doing anything overly nice or out of the ordinary (though, I wish he would). He was just being a good guy. I have always been attention deprived when it comes to men, which leaves me hyper sensitive and vulnerable.  To me, it felt like I was desperate and at a disadvantage. No one really wants to feel desperate, this really made me upset.

I had so many questions for my father. I had no one to show me how a man is suppose to treat a woman.  I wondered why my father didn't come to visit me in the hospital when I had surgery at 12.  I wanted to know why he was in the lives of his other children, but not in my life.  Was there something I didn't have? Was there something wrong with me that my father didn't love me or tell me he loved me.   My father was said to have problems with substance abuse.
     I often times think I am unworthy of being loved, because the man that was to show me, never got around to it.  This is not to make me out to be the victim, but just me putting some of the things that cross my mind in writing.  I have also thought that a person from a home with both parents may not want to be with a person from a broken home.  I know it sounds crazy, but I have thought about it, trying to make it work may be more of a challenge.  Not everyone is up for taking this on, I know it is going to take a special man to love me.

My father died in 2013, I never got the answers to any of my questions. I never went to a Father- Daughter dance or know the bond or experiences of being a Daddy's girl.  Now, I could hold on to resentment and unresolve, letting  it consumed me.   Or I could forgive him, I could let it go, and hope again.  I can give the broken pieces of my heart over to my Savior, for Him to fix.  Which is what I did, that day I saw that meme, I cried and left the pieces of my broken heart at the feet of the King.  Only He could turn the broken pieces into something as beautiful as forgiveness.