Little known secret: Found my confidence in Christ.

It has been a while since I have posted.  I guess I have been learning some things about myself.  My meal plan has finally been solidified and trying out some work out plans at the gym. 

I have come to accept I am an affectionate person.  I want cuddle time and that isn't a bad thing. I wonder if this can count as being vulnerable or transparent, because this is a little weird to admit. I crave human touch and intimacy.  I like hugs and kisses, don't judge me. 

                  

For some this can be too much.  For me its a norm.  I'm a passionate person and I don't have a problem showing it.  Don't get me wrong; I am not a big public display of affection kind of person.  I am fully aware of where it is  appropriate to draw the line in public. When not in public I am fond of cuddling, affection and passionate touch-there I said it. 

I am stepping out of my comfort zone with something else.  I signed up for a social dinner, this is an attmept to not be a recluse. With the unfortunate recent events, I have become more anxious and have not wanted to venture out of my home without necessity.  I don't want these horrible recent  acts by another person to handicap my life.  I have another week before the dinner. My insecurities are throwing questions of doubt and fear around in my head.  Will I be looked down on because of my size?  Will I not be accepted because of my color or nationality?  Will I have anything of significance to contribute.  I pray the voices in my head don't talk me out of going. 

My food plan has been solidified , however it can change.  I need to be able to make adjustments according to the outcome.  Some more things may need to be added to the list of things I am not able to eat. The plan is for 3 meals a day, one day at a time. At least 30g of fiber a day with 8-9 servings of fruit and vegetables mixed. 

To this I am adding:  no soda, no butter and  no white rice.   Adding fiber has its added benefits when it comes to changing your life style.  Many sites say the recommended fiber intake is 25-35 g per day, the average adults get about 15 g per day.   

Why is fiber important?

A high-fiber diet appears to reduce the risk of developing various conditions, including heart disease, diabetes, diverticulitis disease, constipation and colon cancer. Fiber is important for the health of the digestive system and for lowering cholesterol.

What is fiber?

Dietary fiber is material from plant cells that cannot be broken down by enzymes in the human digestive tract. There are two important types of fiber: water-soluble and water insoluble. Each has different properties and characteristics.

• Soluble — Water-soluble fibers absorb water during digestion. They increase stool bulk and may decrease blood cholesterol levels. Soluble fiber can be found in fruits (such as apples, oranges and grapefruit), vegetables, legumes (such as dry beans, lentils and peas), barley, oats and oat bran.
• Insoluble — Water-insoluble fibers remain unchanged during digestion. They promote normal movement of intestinal contents. Insoluble fiber can be found in fruits with edible peel or seeds, vegetables, whole grain products (such as whole-wheat bread, pasta and crackers), bulgur wheat, stone ground corn meal, cereals, bran, rolled oats, buckwheat and brown rice.

How much fiber do I need each day?

The American Heart Association Eating Plan suggests eating a variety of food fiber sources. Total dietary fiber intake should be 25 to 30 grams a day from food, not supplements. Currently, dietary fiber intakes among adults in the United States average about 15 grams a day. That's about half the recommended amount.   (University California San Francisco: https://www.ucsfhealth.org/education/increasing_fiber_intake/).

Meal Plan Packed With Fiber:

This sample menu for a day gives you 37 grams of fiber:

• Breakfast: whole-grain bran flake cereal (5 grams of fiber), half a banana (1.5 grams of fiber), and skim milk.
• Snack: 24 almonds (3.3 grams of fiber) and a quarter cup of raisins (1.5 grams of fiber)
• Lunch: Turkey sandwich made with 2 slices of whole wheat bread, lettuce, and tomato (5 grams of fiber), and an orange (3.1 grams of fiber)
• Snack: Yogurt with half a cup of blueberries (2 grams of fiber)
• Dinner: Grilled fish with a salad of romaine lettuce and shredded carrots (2.6 grams of fiber), half a cup of spinach (2.1 grams of fiber), and half a cup of lentils (7.5 grams of fiber)
• Snack: 3 cups popped popcorn (3.5 grams of fiber)

7 Ways to Add More Fiber

1. Start your day with a whole-grain cereal that has at least 5 grams of fiber. Look at the list of ingredients to be sure the whole grain (such as whole wheat, whole rye, or whole oats) is first on the list.
2. Read labels and choose foods with at least a few grams of fiber per serving. A good source of fiber has 2.5-4.9 grams of fiber per serving. An excellent source has 5 grams or more per serving.
3. Use whole-grain breads with at least 2-3 grams of fiber per slice for sandwiches.
4. Choose whole fruit over juice. Whole fruit can have as much as twice the amount of fiber as a glass of juice.
5. Toss beans into your soups, stews, egg dishes, salads, chili, and Mexican dishes. Substitute beans for all of the meat in at least one vegetarian meal per week.
6. Experiment with international cuisines (such as Indian or Middle Eastern) that use whole grains and beans in main dishes.
7. Snack on raw vegetables with bean dip or hummus. It's best to boost fiber in your diet gradually and drink plenty of water, so your  digestive system has time to adjust.
   A good rule of thumb is to add about 5 grams of fiber per day, spread throughout the day, until you reach your goal.  (WebMD: http://www.webmd.com/diet/guide/fiber-how-much-do-you-need?page=2)

Last would be an exercise plan. Going to the gym everyday has gotten mundane and this leads to me not wanting to go.  This is what I have come up with,  gym Monday, Wednesday (cardio) and Friday (strength training) for one hour.  Tuesday and Thursday we go to the park and go walking for at least 2 miles.  On the days we go walking, yoga stretches after to make for at least an hour.  It is my goal to work in planks, mountain climbers and Russian twists (or something else equally undesirable).  One thing at a time, I am going to try this for a couple of weeks and see how things turn out. 

Heard this for the first time walking in the park one night.  Love it:

3-Way call

There is nothing more childish and deceitful than having someone listen in on a conversation. On a three way call, where the third person is brought into the conversation without both of the original parties chatting knowing.  What is the purpose of this?  If they do not wish to contribute to the conversation, what right do they have to listen in and for what purpose?  To later us what you have said in private against you.  The worst person is the one trying to facilitate this other person listening in.  I don't trust either person nor do I really want to have anything to do with either.  I just don't get it why adults, grown people do something so high school. I am on a rant and just needed to get this off my chest.

I had a pretty good week, despite Friday being the 13th. Having a plan in place for eating helps to stay on track with my consumption.





Next I want to start a fitness challenge, one doing the three things I dislike the most: Burpees, Mountain climbers and planks.


 

I heard this song for the first time this weekend as I volunteered a this Building 429 for Kids concert.

Bonfire is on fire!

I am commited

Life hack #1552 complete.  The online post stated it would make you feel better, I will have to say it has. I started another challenge for the last week of this challenge.  One night, actually it was Monday night.  I was not feeling it and had really considered not going to the gym.  However, the week before was not good so I had to step it up this week.  I even text a friend and told her I was not feeling the gym and was ready to turn around and go home.  God told me he had brought me there, I could at least go inside.  When I walked in the door to the gym, this is the challenge placed before me:

                             


I went immediately to the 60 minute challenge. Forgetting I didn't even want to be there less than 2 minutes ago, I said to myself, "You can do this!".  I completed this also.

This week, I thought it over and went to God.  I have to admit, I have issues with commitment and follow through at times. These last couple of weeks, I have been working on being obedient to prepare for this step. With God, I know all things are possible.  I know I will make mistakes and have short comings, but I have decided to commit, and go all in.  I put in trust or charge to the glory of my Savior, Jesus Christ, for Deliverance.

I am an introvert, in the most extreme way.  I take in my surroundings,  but do not immediately react to them as many would like to see. Lately, I have noticed things are happening that are outside of the ordinary or norm.  I am full of contradictions and uncertainty. My one true stability is the trust I place in Christ the King. I want to see nothing but happiness for my friends and foes.  Yes,even for my enemies, I will pray. I don't glory or seek hurt or disappointment for anyone.  Even if  I have been wronged by these same individuals, even if I have been slighted.  If this same respect cannot be given in return, Anthony Hamilton's song "Just Pass Me Over" would be my only request :

This is a rather old song, I used to listen to it when I went through a bad break up. I pray for the best in all people, I try not to judge other people or wish ill will. To me, this is simple human respect I would  want others to give unto me.  I am saying this is if the respect cannot not be returned.  If my attention is desired by a person to hurt or harm, to make use of my set backs and failures for entertainment or to make light of my genuine  feels, please don't.  I will pray for you still, but please just pass me over. 

My weekend started off amazing, I went to the: I Will Follow tour with Jeremy Camp and Mandisa on Friday. During the tour Mandisa shared her testimony.  She gave one of her favorite scriptures, and it explained so wonderfully where I was also: 

1How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

2How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

4and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6I will sing the Lord’s praise,

for he has been good to me.

- Psalm: 13

There is a guy.  Whenever I think about him, I cant help but smile to myself. Each time I see him, I want to give him a huge hug and stick him in my handbag and take him home. I have a lot of passion and a little  impatience.  Something I have learned about me, I fall hard and love intensely.  I want to throw caution to the wind and jump in head first and love him.  I am committed though,  and there are things about me that need work.  God is still working in me to do His will.  So I every time he comes across my mind or I want the to feel his touch, I will pray for this guy, and trust in God. Trust God and his timing.  I asked God to put it on my heart to let me know, unmistakably of His will and timing for my life.  Shortly after I asked, God gave me this answer:

How do I forgive a man that is no longer alive?

I am often asked "How are you?".  I have been so accustomed to responding without even thinking about it.  I even came up with a quick response, as often times this question is not asked out of sincerity but rather out of social duty.  The question is often asked in passing, so there is not enough time to really tell how things might be going at the time in ones life.  Rather, what is said is a quick response to satisfy the requester.  There are times, when I am asked and things are not going well, I am actually struggling.  What I give off and say are not always the same as what is actually going on in my life.  I come across as strong and put together, even an air of confidence about me, so I have been told.  People see me and think I have all the answers, that I don't have doubts or second guess decisions. The fact is the world sees it as weak when I do not come across as strong and confident.  The truth is, no one except my enemy wants to know of my failures, my mistakes, set backs and struggles.  In reality, I have no choice but to come across as strong with it together. If I do not, I will be seen as inadequate, unworthy, and  even unable to deal with the task at hand. Some have said I am disconnected, distant and need to make myself more transparent.  My problem is being vulnerable or transparent, its not my intention to appear as though I am flawless or perfect.  God knows, I am not either.  I can tell you why it may appear I am put together.  I have been overweight and struggled with food for most of my life. My mother was overweight also.  She taught me to always look my best, to work hard and hold myself at a high standard.  She told me to always do this because being overweight, people will look down on you, you will always have to prove yourself.  She was right, because of my size, people judge me, they think I am stupid or dumb, lazy, inadequate, dirty.   My mother said I will always have to try harder; I will always need work harder to present myself to the world. I don't always have it together, I struggle, I have trials and tribulations, storms in life.  My mother was also the one who introduced me to my Savior and King, Jesus Christ.  So, at any given time, when you ask me "How I am doing?", I can say with confidence: Blessed and highly favored.  :)

While getting help with my issues with food, it has been brought to the light the emotional and spiritual aspects.  I am rather reserved with my emotions. I tend to revert to my thoughts and suppress any emotions. I had a friend that used to refer to this as "Being in my feelings".  She would say I needed to "Get out my feels".  Later, I thought to myself, these are my feels.  Im not projecting them onto anyone else, seeking attention or causing drama.  I was attempting to deal with them on my own, in my own way.  I do not recall once ever asking anyone to join me in my feelings nor do I recall sending out invitations.  I would talk sometimes, but felt as though I was being judged or the topic of conversation when I was not present (gossip).   I don't need this, so this was taken into consideration when I decided to no longer allow this my life.

How do you for give a man that is no longer alive?  I had to turn to my Savior Jesus Christ for this one.  I didn't grow up with my father.  He died July 4, 2013. We had an estranged relationship most of my life.  I don't know what its like to be loved unconditionally by a man.  I don't know how a man is suppose to love a woman, except what I have seen on television.  The foundation for building a relationship with a man are unknown to me.  This, I feel is the reason why I struggle with relationships. The reason why I have issues with trust, why I have unresolved commitment hurdles.    I have noticed that all of my friends and family members that have grown up in a two parent home or with a father figure are married or in relationships.  Please, don't get me wrong, I am happy for each and everyone of them.  I am just left with doubts about myself.  My father had other children, with his wife, whom was not my mother.  My father had relationships with his other children.  He left some to be desired with their relationships also, but was there enough for them to have a stable foundation.  He left them knowing their self worth and knowing they were loved. It is going to take a man of immense patience, passion, and love for me to love me beyond this all.  A man to accept my broken heart and relationship obstacles. I thank God for working on the broken pieces of my heart, for mending and refining the pieces to something so beautiful, that I sparkle.  I thank my King for this time in His arms, for His attention and unending, unfailing and unconditional love. Jesus is my answer to how to forgive a man, that is no longer alive.  I love you, Father God.

Day 8 of 21

It has been a while since I have posted, a lot has changed.  I have cut out a lot of things in my life to make room for a lot of new things.  Let me explain day 8 of 21.  I was on social media and I came  across a post of "Life Hacks" and there was 21 day life hack to help feel better.   Life Hack #1552:

The responses to this post were hilarious.  Many people said they would not be able to "hack it" so to say. The last two were where most people got hung up: the chocolate and the ice cream.  After I ate the rest of the ice cream I had in the freezer, I took another look at the list and thought to myself-I can do this. I would definitely be able to do this if I had a buddy, but most of  the people I had in mind were not as optimistic as I as was-very much like the comments that were posted. Most of this I already cut or limited in my diet. Though I have a candy basket at my desk, I can resist the urge, for 21 days, at least.  I thought there wouldn't be a problem with" No cake".  Then on day 8,  I went to a birthday party and had cake, alright I had two slices (they were normal size, instead of the "hunks", I would have at home alone.)-with ice cream. This was way less cake and ice cream than I would normally eat, and after the birthday party I went back to a no cake and ice cream.  Chips were never a problem because I try not to buy chips or bring them home.  I purchase pretzels for my daughters lunch and have organic cheese puffs for me. White bread is not brought home, ever.  Fast food was almost where I got hung up. However, I have been trying to cut back so I just had to be a little more conscious.  I consider fast food anything you can pick up in a drive through.   I had already sworn off the top fast food chain, McDonald's for one of my new year resolutions. On day one of 21 days, (Friday,  April 1st) I had planned to swing through KFC and grab grilled chicken (I always get the grilled chicken, its so good), instead I went to Sam's Club and got one of their huge Rotisserie chickens for only $5 already made in the deli.  I could still have my favorite Chinese, even though I haven't. Recently, I have tried Chipotle for the first time, which is also still an option.  Chocolate is considered candy to me, so that was already cut out above. I just had to finish the ice cream I had in the freezer, which was just about done. with only one serving remaining.
I could think of some more things that could have been added like no soda, no butter, or no white rice.  I decided to add some things to the list.  For one, more fruits and vegetables: cantaloupe, honey dew, strawberries, and pears (high in fiber)  Second, more fiber, I looked up the daily recommended value for fiber, 25-30 grams.  I remembered I lost more inches when I increased the amount of daily fiber I consumed.  Finally, more water, you can never seem to get to much of this stuff.  I have been feeling better, so the cut back on all the above  and and increase on fiber and water seem to be helping.

I also found other outlets to deal  my issues with food, a haven I guess you could say where I can work through and not feel judged. God works in amazing ways, I still feel shame and embarrassment, but I have a way to sort through it all now.  Thank you, Jesus.

I have had to cut out some unhealthy relationships too. There are no prospects or guys, but I am praying and learning to trust in my Savior the King. This is the hardest thing for me,  trusting.  I know God has a plan for me, He has a guy for me that is the best of who He wants for me.  I sometimes feel there will never be a guy that will love me though.  Yeah, I have gone to some of the  not so  reputable  sites and have been told I am beautiful.  But it is hard to even hear this when friends, family and people around me are getting married, starting families and I have no prospects or  anyone in the ball park.  I start to feel as though there is something wrong with me or I am unable to be loved, unworthy.  I no longer hear the "your beautiful", I just feel the alone.   There are standards I have, I don't want to go running out and falling for the first guy that shows me attention. So, I pray and trust in Him.  

Lauren Daigle has a song that helps me remember when I realize my trust in my Father the King is wavering:

                       

"When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk throughWhen You don’t give the answers as I cry out to YouI will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!"

This is the hardest for me, but I will trust in Him. . . .

Let he who has never had to be forgiven; cast the first stone.

Today the spirit is really speaking to me.  I heard this song for the first time while I was running a random errand:

It's Hawk Nelson's Diamonds.  I love it.  It's great for this time I am in my life right now.  

Bet you are wondering about the title of this blog.  Well, we are doing a study entitled: Love Never Fails.  Its about marriage and relationships.  Needless to say when our pastor was announcing this study was going to start I was less than enthusiastic considering my current status. I am patiently waiting on the Boaz my Savior has for me. 

The main theme I took form today's message was "Submit by supporting = put the needs of your spouse above your own".  When I think of this I remember this coincides with not entering into a relationship for what you can get out of it but for what you contribute or bring to the relationship.
It's funny, I didn't think I really wanted to listen to how to work on a relationship, especially while I was single.  Then it was pointed out to me, perhaps God knows you will be more receptive while you are not in a relationship.  I laugh out loud, further testament to the fact that my Savior knows me and sure works in mysterious ways.  I may not know what he is doing, but all signs point to Him working in me.

I saw what has to be my new favorite movie recently. War Room.

   I liked it so much, I am updating it to add to my personal DVD collection.  This movie leaves you with so much encouragement and hope.  It's mainly centers around the dynamic of strained marriage. Prayer and trust in the Savior being the ultimate answer.  Again, more of what seems to be instructions for when I am in a relationship.  All I can do is thank and praise my King as I continue to surrender myself for Him to do a work in me.

I have started tracking my meals again on the MyFitnessPal app.  I have a couple of friends that are tracking with me.  They are an encouragement and help keep me accountable.  I have tracked for an entire week and have noticed a trend already.  Of my macro-molecules my carbohydrate intake is either the highest or what causes me to go over.  Plan for next week, increase fruit and veggies, cut carb consumption.  Easier said than done.  However, I have a Savior that is victorious.  I will put it in His hands also.  

I have also realized I will get easily bored with same workout or routine.  As I look back I did my best when I was working with the trainer my uncle set up for me. I have a membership to a 24 hr gym now.  I still find myself craving a walk in the park or outdoors.  I found out the local skating ring has $2 Mondays, so that is another workout I can drag my daughter to that burns a ton of calories.  I noticed also if I am getting something done, rather than going to the gym to solely work out, the time goes by faster and I burn more calories.  In other words, I would rather spend three hours helping a friend move, paint or remodel, or spend time on a playground chasing or playing with small children than go to the gym for an hour and 15 minutes.

Learning new things every day. . .

Merry Christmas. . . looking forward to the new year!

       This is going to be another of my attempts at being transparent or vulnerable. I am told this
 should be done more often as I tend to not do it at all.  I don't apparently communicate with others often enough. So, I am going to try and work on this.  Well this week I was informed a  guy I was interested in getting to know was in fact engaged.  Yeah, I was disappointed, but if it gives you any in site into who I am.  I have a different crush every month. I talk to Abba, my Father about it and you know what He put on my heart?  It was because I have something better for you, someone just for you. He placed on my heart that I should be happy for them and continue to wait on my Savior.  I then said a prayer of blessing over their union.  I asked that their marriage be filled with God's love, mercy and grace; and He is in every aspect of their marriage.  I pray they are fruitful and bring as many babies (love me some  babies)up in the way of the Lord as they desire. As I ended the prayer in "In Jesus name, Amen" I though to myself; This is why I adore my King. He knows exactly what I need. 

This year I volunteered for a concert in town.  A local church hosted the Very Merry Christmas tour.  I try to volunteer during the Christmas holidays.  It was a good thing I volunteered at the church.  My plan was to volunteer at the homeless shelter, but there have been some changes to the process. I did not know a background check had to be done. Apparently they want to make sure you want to help and not put these people in potential danger. There was not enough time when I contacted the shelter. The concert was amazing though,. The headline bands were Newsong, Plumb and Building 429.  The presence of the Savior was felt in spite of attempts made other wise. 


 I spent Christmas Eve just over the Georgia line; on a lake talking about guys, having drinks and forgetting all the uncertainty around me. My daughter insisted I not spend Christmas alone this year and made sure by following up with calls all day.  After I was up and made breakfast, I went and visited a friend and brought along a "To-go" container.  I like taking these containers with me when I know I am going somewhere and there will be left overs.  I met someone who had recently moved into town, and did not want to have Christmas dinner alone.  I can understand that feeling, so I met them for the first time at Christmas dinner. That was very nice, the guy was a complete gentleman.  I ended the night at a long time friends house watching the first full moon on Christmas in my life time.  The moon reminded me of myself: mystery, intrigue, elusive and engulfed in a fog of the Saviors arms. 

Yes, I am aware I have not yet mentioned fitness status or goals.  Ok, well, here goes.  Of course for the holidays I have not been eating as I should.  The anxiety of being alone for the holidays has been looming.  I find myself eating more when I am not hungry.  This has helped me though.  I realize I need to stop and take a moment to see if I am hungry.  Analyze the last time I ate.  Determine where I am on a scale of full to stomach growling, I fall.  Then if it is determined I can go ahead and head, what do I choose to eat?  If it is determined I shouldn't eat, then what do I do?  The questions can be endless.  I want to try to get back to basics for the new year.  I want to start not eating anything after 8pm.  (I originally wanted to do 6pm, but since I don't finish at work until five o'clock, it would be good to start at eight and work up to six.)  I just thought to my self I can drink water after 8p, as I do not always get in the number of ounces per day as I should.  Nothing good to report with the gym either. I have slacked off down to 1 -2 times a week.  I need to work on coming up with other creative ways to work out.  This last week I walked around beautiful Cascades park with my daughter.  We both seemed to enjoy it so I will be trying to work in more walks. The skating ring near us has $2 Mondays.  I know this is something else we both like doing, skating also burns a ton of calories.  So that is the update.  I have become slack, but by no means have I given up.  I have come too far and am so grateful for the progress I have made thus far.  

I have added two things to my diet.  The first is cinnamon. "According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine, Cinnamon can be used to help treat muscle spasms, vomiting, diarrhea, infections, the common cold, loss of appetite, and erectile dysfunction (ED)." Diabetes, Alzheimer's, HIV, Multiple Sclerosis are some of the other diseases mention that cinnamon has health properties.  I consume about a 1/4 teaspoon each day.  I make iced hazelnut coffee each morning.  I brew a pot of coffee the night before with Cafe Bustelo espresso coffee and put in the fridge overnight.  The next morning I scoop 2-4 tablespoons of Spenda in my Tervis cup, first.  I sprinkle in cinnamon and mix, then I add Nestle hazelnut sugar free creamer to taste and then fill up with coffee.  I love to add ice cubes to have cold until lunch.  Deelish!  The second is Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV).  Oh my does this stuff have host of health benefits. You should look this one up yourself.  My mom used to drink this, I came across it often in my attempts to steal my moms fresh glass of water she poured.  It definitely has to be diluted.  I used about 3/4 of a cap for 20-24oz water.  Its like having lemon water, you get a different flavor than boring water.  



  I highly encourage you to look into how you can incorporate the health benefits into your life.  


I was so glad when my local radio station went back to playing praise and worship music.  There was a new song by Chris Tomlin that I thought would be most appropriate for this time of year.  The song is perfect for Christmas and the hope of a New Year:

Chris Tomlin - He Shall Reign Forevermore (Live).

For 2016 I pray the blessing of hope for all.  I pray that you never give up and know you may always seek refuge in the arms of the Savior.