How do I forgive a man that is no longer alive?

I am often asked "How are you?".  I have been so accustomed to responding without even thinking about it.  I even came up with a quick response, as often times this question is not asked out of sincerity but rather out of social duty.  The question is often asked in passing, so there is not enough time to really tell how things might be going at the time in ones life.  Rather, what is said is a quick response to satisfy the requester.  There are times, when I am asked and things are not going well, I am actually struggling.  What I give off and say are not always the same as what is actually going on in my life.  I come across as strong and put together, even an air of confidence about me, so I have been told.  People see me and think I have all the answers, that I don't have doubts or second guess decisions. The fact is the world sees it as weak when I do not come across as strong and confident.  The truth is, no one except my enemy wants to know of my failures, my mistakes, set backs and struggles.  In reality, I have no choice but to come across as strong with it together. If I do not, I will be seen as inadequate, unworthy, and  even unable to deal with the task at hand. Some have said I am disconnected, distant and need to make myself more transparent.  My problem is being vulnerable or transparent, its not my intention to appear as though I am flawless or perfect.  God knows, I am not either.  I can tell you why it may appear I am put together.  I have been overweight and struggled with food for most of my life. My mother was overweight also.  She taught me to always look my best, to work hard and hold myself at a high standard.  She told me to always do this because being overweight, people will look down on you, you will always have to prove yourself.  She was right, because of my size, people judge me, they think I am stupid or dumb, lazy, inadequate, dirty.   My mother said I will always have to try harder; I will always need work harder to present myself to the world. I don't always have it together, I struggle, I have trials and tribulations, storms in life.  My mother was also the one who introduced me to my Savior and King, Jesus Christ.  So, at any given time, when you ask me "How I am doing?", I can say with confidence: Blessed and highly favored.  :)

While getting help with my issues with food, it has been brought to the light the emotional and spiritual aspects.  I am rather reserved with my emotions. I tend to revert to my thoughts and suppress any emotions. I had a friend that used to refer to this as "Being in my feelings".  She would say I needed to "Get out my feels".  Later, I thought to myself, these are my feels.  Im not projecting them onto anyone else, seeking attention or causing drama.  I was attempting to deal with them on my own, in my own way.  I do not recall once ever asking anyone to join me in my feelings nor do I recall sending out invitations.  I would talk sometimes, but felt as though I was being judged or the topic of conversation when I was not present (gossip).   I don't need this, so this was taken into consideration when I decided to no longer allow this my life.

How do you for give a man that is no longer alive?  I had to turn to my Savior Jesus Christ for this one.  I didn't grow up with my father.  He died July 4, 2013. We had an estranged relationship most of my life.  I don't know what its like to be loved unconditionally by a man.  I don't know how a man is suppose to love a woman, except what I have seen on television.  The foundation for building a relationship with a man are unknown to me.  This, I feel is the reason why I struggle with relationships. The reason why I have issues with trust, why I have unresolved commitment hurdles.    I have noticed that all of my friends and family members that have grown up in a two parent home or with a father figure are married or in relationships.  Please, don't get me wrong, I am happy for each and everyone of them.  I am just left with doubts about myself.  My father had other children, with his wife, whom was not my mother.  My father had relationships with his other children.  He left some to be desired with their relationships also, but was there enough for them to have a stable foundation.  He left them knowing their self worth and knowing they were loved. It is going to take a man of immense patience, passion, and love for me to love me beyond this all.  A man to accept my broken heart and relationship obstacles. I thank God for working on the broken pieces of my heart, for mending and refining the pieces to something so beautiful, that I sparkle.  I thank my King for this time in His arms, for His attention and unending, unfailing and unconditional love. Jesus is my answer to how to forgive a man, that is no longer alive.  I love you, Father God.