I am commited

Life hack #1552 complete.  The online post stated it would make you feel better, I will have to say it has. I started another challenge for the last week of this challenge.  One night, actually it was Monday night.  I was not feeling it and had really considered not going to the gym.  However, the week before was not good so I had to step it up this week.  I even text a friend and told her I was not feeling the gym and was ready to turn around and go home.  God told me he had brought me there, I could at least go inside.  When I walked in the door to the gym, this is the challenge placed before me:

                             


I went immediately to the 60 minute challenge. Forgetting I didn't even want to be there less than 2 minutes ago, I said to myself, "You can do this!".  I completed this also.

This week, I thought it over and went to God.  I have to admit, I have issues with commitment and follow through at times. These last couple of weeks, I have been working on being obedient to prepare for this step. With God, I know all things are possible.  I know I will make mistakes and have short comings, but I have decided to commit, and go all in.  I put in trust or charge to the glory of my Savior, Jesus Christ, for Deliverance.

I am an introvert, in the most extreme way.  I take in my surroundings,  but do not immediately react to them as many would like to see. Lately, I have noticed things are happening that are outside of the ordinary or norm.  I am full of contradictions and uncertainty. My one true stability is the trust I place in Christ the King. I want to see nothing but happiness for my friends and foes.  Yes,even for my enemies, I will pray. I don't glory or seek hurt or disappointment for anyone.  Even if  I have been wronged by these same individuals, even if I have been slighted.  If this same respect cannot be given in return, Anthony Hamilton's song "Just Pass Me Over" would be my only request :

This is a rather old song, I used to listen to it when I went through a bad break up. I pray for the best in all people, I try not to judge other people or wish ill will. To me, this is simple human respect I would  want others to give unto me.  I am saying this is if the respect cannot not be returned.  If my attention is desired by a person to hurt or harm, to make use of my set backs and failures for entertainment or to make light of my genuine  feels, please don't.  I will pray for you still, but please just pass me over. 

My weekend started off amazing, I went to the: I Will Follow tour with Jeremy Camp and Mandisa on Friday. During the tour Mandisa shared her testimony.  She gave one of her favorite scriptures, and it explained so wonderfully where I was also: 

1How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

2How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

4and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6I will sing the Lord’s praise,

for he has been good to me.

- Psalm: 13

There is a guy.  Whenever I think about him, I cant help but smile to myself. Each time I see him, I want to give him a huge hug and stick him in my handbag and take him home. I have a lot of passion and a little  impatience.  Something I have learned about me, I fall hard and love intensely.  I want to throw caution to the wind and jump in head first and love him.  I am committed though,  and there are things about me that need work.  God is still working in me to do His will.  So I every time he comes across my mind or I want the to feel his touch, I will pray for this guy, and trust in God. Trust God and his timing.  I asked God to put it on my heart to let me know, unmistakably of His will and timing for my life.  Shortly after I asked, God gave me this answer:

How do I forgive a man that is no longer alive?

I am often asked "How are you?".  I have been so accustomed to responding without even thinking about it.  I even came up with a quick response, as often times this question is not asked out of sincerity but rather out of social duty.  The question is often asked in passing, so there is not enough time to really tell how things might be going at the time in ones life.  Rather, what is said is a quick response to satisfy the requester.  There are times, when I am asked and things are not going well, I am actually struggling.  What I give off and say are not always the same as what is actually going on in my life.  I come across as strong and put together, even an air of confidence about me, so I have been told.  People see me and think I have all the answers, that I don't have doubts or second guess decisions. The fact is the world sees it as weak when I do not come across as strong and confident.  The truth is, no one except my enemy wants to know of my failures, my mistakes, set backs and struggles.  In reality, I have no choice but to come across as strong with it together. If I do not, I will be seen as inadequate, unworthy, and  even unable to deal with the task at hand. Some have said I am disconnected, distant and need to make myself more transparent.  My problem is being vulnerable or transparent, its not my intention to appear as though I am flawless or perfect.  God knows, I am not either.  I can tell you why it may appear I am put together.  I have been overweight and struggled with food for most of my life. My mother was overweight also.  She taught me to always look my best, to work hard and hold myself at a high standard.  She told me to always do this because being overweight, people will look down on you, you will always have to prove yourself.  She was right, because of my size, people judge me, they think I am stupid or dumb, lazy, inadequate, dirty.   My mother said I will always have to try harder; I will always need work harder to present myself to the world. I don't always have it together, I struggle, I have trials and tribulations, storms in life.  My mother was also the one who introduced me to my Savior and King, Jesus Christ.  So, at any given time, when you ask me "How I am doing?", I can say with confidence: Blessed and highly favored.  :)

While getting help with my issues with food, it has been brought to the light the emotional and spiritual aspects.  I am rather reserved with my emotions. I tend to revert to my thoughts and suppress any emotions. I had a friend that used to refer to this as "Being in my feelings".  She would say I needed to "Get out my feels".  Later, I thought to myself, these are my feels.  Im not projecting them onto anyone else, seeking attention or causing drama.  I was attempting to deal with them on my own, in my own way.  I do not recall once ever asking anyone to join me in my feelings nor do I recall sending out invitations.  I would talk sometimes, but felt as though I was being judged or the topic of conversation when I was not present (gossip).   I don't need this, so this was taken into consideration when I decided to no longer allow this my life.

How do you for give a man that is no longer alive?  I had to turn to my Savior Jesus Christ for this one.  I didn't grow up with my father.  He died July 4, 2013. We had an estranged relationship most of my life.  I don't know what its like to be loved unconditionally by a man.  I don't know how a man is suppose to love a woman, except what I have seen on television.  The foundation for building a relationship with a man are unknown to me.  This, I feel is the reason why I struggle with relationships. The reason why I have issues with trust, why I have unresolved commitment hurdles.    I have noticed that all of my friends and family members that have grown up in a two parent home or with a father figure are married or in relationships.  Please, don't get me wrong, I am happy for each and everyone of them.  I am just left with doubts about myself.  My father had other children, with his wife, whom was not my mother.  My father had relationships with his other children.  He left some to be desired with their relationships also, but was there enough for them to have a stable foundation.  He left them knowing their self worth and knowing they were loved. It is going to take a man of immense patience, passion, and love for me to love me beyond this all.  A man to accept my broken heart and relationship obstacles. I thank God for working on the broken pieces of my heart, for mending and refining the pieces to something so beautiful, that I sparkle.  I thank my King for this time in His arms, for His attention and unending, unfailing and unconditional love. Jesus is my answer to how to forgive a man, that is no longer alive.  I love you, Father God.

Day 8 of 21

It has been a while since I have posted, a lot has changed.  I have cut out a lot of things in my life to make room for a lot of new things.  Let me explain day 8 of 21.  I was on social media and I came  across a post of "Life Hacks" and there was 21 day life hack to help feel better.   Life Hack #1552:

The responses to this post were hilarious.  Many people said they would not be able to "hack it" so to say. The last two were where most people got hung up: the chocolate and the ice cream.  After I ate the rest of the ice cream I had in the freezer, I took another look at the list and thought to myself-I can do this. I would definitely be able to do this if I had a buddy, but most of  the people I had in mind were not as optimistic as I as was-very much like the comments that were posted. Most of this I already cut or limited in my diet. Though I have a candy basket at my desk, I can resist the urge, for 21 days, at least.  I thought there wouldn't be a problem with" No cake".  Then on day 8,  I went to a birthday party and had cake, alright I had two slices (they were normal size, instead of the "hunks", I would have at home alone.)-with ice cream. This was way less cake and ice cream than I would normally eat, and after the birthday party I went back to a no cake and ice cream.  Chips were never a problem because I try not to buy chips or bring them home.  I purchase pretzels for my daughters lunch and have organic cheese puffs for me. White bread is not brought home, ever.  Fast food was almost where I got hung up. However, I have been trying to cut back so I just had to be a little more conscious.  I consider fast food anything you can pick up in a drive through.   I had already sworn off the top fast food chain, McDonald's for one of my new year resolutions. On day one of 21 days, (Friday,  April 1st) I had planned to swing through KFC and grab grilled chicken (I always get the grilled chicken, its so good), instead I went to Sam's Club and got one of their huge Rotisserie chickens for only $5 already made in the deli.  I could still have my favorite Chinese, even though I haven't. Recently, I have tried Chipotle for the first time, which is also still an option.  Chocolate is considered candy to me, so that was already cut out above. I just had to finish the ice cream I had in the freezer, which was just about done. with only one serving remaining.
I could think of some more things that could have been added like no soda, no butter, or no white rice.  I decided to add some things to the list.  For one, more fruits and vegetables: cantaloupe, honey dew, strawberries, and pears (high in fiber)  Second, more fiber, I looked up the daily recommended value for fiber, 25-30 grams.  I remembered I lost more inches when I increased the amount of daily fiber I consumed.  Finally, more water, you can never seem to get to much of this stuff.  I have been feeling better, so the cut back on all the above  and and increase on fiber and water seem to be helping.

I also found other outlets to deal  my issues with food, a haven I guess you could say where I can work through and not feel judged. God works in amazing ways, I still feel shame and embarrassment, but I have a way to sort through it all now.  Thank you, Jesus.

I have had to cut out some unhealthy relationships too. There are no prospects or guys, but I am praying and learning to trust in my Savior the King. This is the hardest thing for me,  trusting.  I know God has a plan for me, He has a guy for me that is the best of who He wants for me.  I sometimes feel there will never be a guy that will love me though.  Yeah, I have gone to some of the  not so  reputable  sites and have been told I am beautiful.  But it is hard to even hear this when friends, family and people around me are getting married, starting families and I have no prospects or  anyone in the ball park.  I start to feel as though there is something wrong with me or I am unable to be loved, unworthy.  I no longer hear the "your beautiful", I just feel the alone.   There are standards I have, I don't want to go running out and falling for the first guy that shows me attention. So, I pray and trust in Him.  

Lauren Daigle has a song that helps me remember when I realize my trust in my Father the King is wavering:

                       

"When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk throughWhen You don’t give the answers as I cry out to YouI will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!"

This is the hardest for me, but I will trust in Him. . . .