I was on one of those online social sites and a guy asked me: "So what are u looking for". I replied : "Friendship, someone to hangout with and do things. Like movie night, maybe out to see 50 Shades Darker or John Wick 2; or stay in with a Red box at home by fireplace with drinks. A gym buddy or someone to go on long walks around the park or beach in the evening. I am looking for that guy I can cuddle up with on the couch and read a book, where silence is okay and we can just be together. I want a guy that has a full time job, his own transportation and his own place. I want a guy that is between 30 and 40 and not married. Yes, I know this is a lot to ask, but I am worth it." Darn right, I am worth it. God is showing me my worth, not in the world, but my worth in Him. I struggle with fear of abandonment and trust, God loves me in the places, so I know how to love others. He is showing me I am the daughter of the King. This does not mean things will be easy and free ride. This means no matter what, He will be by my side; my strength, my Rock, the Savior, my King. Heard this for the first time Valentine's Day, loved it: Party like a Princess.
There is a guy that I am way beyond interested in getting to know. I heard him say he was lonely. I though to myself. He is lonely, I am lonely, why cant we be lonely together?( I'm sure that has to be lyrics to a song). I actually looked up and asked God too. I don't have the confidence to act on it, so will not likely happen. It might be good, right now I am feeling fearful and inadequate. I don't want to mess it up with him or run him away. I made a mistake this week, I have since corrected it and every thing is fine. It was a human mistake that I am sure I am not the only one to make. This still does not keep me from feeling embarrassed and beating myself up about it. I try to learn something or take something good away from every situation. My God never fails me, I have learned in this circumstance also. Now I can go back to living like I am loved, because His love has made me more than enough. . .
There's not a craving of the mind Which Jesus cannot fill. There's not a pleasure I would seek Aside from His dear will. From hour to hour He fills my soul With peace and perfect love; While rich supplies for ev'ry need He sendeth from above.
The joys which this vain world bestow Have lost their charm for me. Once I enjoyed its trifles too, But Jesus set me free. Its joys will perish in a day, Its pleasure quickly fly; Its mirth like mist will pass away, And all its honors die.
He stilled the angry tempest's power, Which raged within my heart; And bade each sinful passion there To speedily depart. Yes, Jesus is my All in All, He satisfies my soul, For me He died on Calvary, And now He makes me whole.
Yes, Jesus is my Lord alone, My Rock, my Strength, my Song, My Wisdom and my Refuge safe; To Jesus I belong. He is my Advocate with God, My Way, my Life, my Light, My Great Physician and my Friend, My Guide by day and night.
I heard some hard truths this week. In a long over due talk with someone that has no problem being frank and unfiltered, things began to come back into focus. I was told I was beautiful and attractive (this is a truth I was aware of), however, the guys I am attracted to are not attracted to fat or overweight black women. Larger black women are known for bigger backsides and hips. This thought had crossed my mind before, ignored and shuffled to the back of my mind, never to cross my mind again. I frustratingly, sought men inside and outside of my race; never finding a compatible and attracted guy. I decided to do some digging into this large black women dilemma. One website said: In the African American community " it has been known that the bigger the backside the better. The rounder the breast the better. The thicker the legs the more beautiful. In the other communities this has been the complete opposite. The bigger the butt, the less attractive. If your hips are too wide you’re considered fat. Thinner is usually all around better within the other communities. In the discussion, I was told the men I am attracted to outside my race may find me beautiful or exotic, but my size will be a turn off. This is the hard part of the truth. This frankness of a friend was what I needed to hear, and possibly what I needed to hear when I was younger. Another website said "no matter what race you are– the ideal body type is skinny/small/thin and while women of color may be praised for having fat in the “right places” (i.e. a big butt, full hips or large breasts), larger woman have " been looked over by guys… been told to lose weight in order to become desirable." This has been the case with me. After this discussion, I remembered a conversation I had with a nutritionist in my adolescence ( I was about 12 or 13), I have been overweight all my life. I was sent to a nutritionist and I remember her sitting across from me and asking, don't you want to have a boyfriend, don't you want to be asked to prom, you want to have your first kiss right?. I remember sitting there and looking at her small frame for what felt like 15 minutes straight and not saying anything. Thinking to myself of course I do, however if it means I have to be skinny, I wont ever be found attractive. She then confirmed what I was thinking. She said boys are not going to be attracted to you if you are overweight. I remember crying on the way home, because I had to accept a hard truth at such a young age. It was then I learned I would have to come to accept my body or make changes. This was not the last time my weight and feeling undesirable would come up. My last year of high school I met a guy who I was friends with for over two decades. One night while we were out he said "being with a girl that size would be lowering his standards" (he had quite a few drink in his defense). On another occasion while celebrating in Miami with two friends, we were turned around or prohibited from entering a nightclub because of my size. In the the end, my frank and unfiltered friend was trying to help. Though I have come to terms with my size, this still is not the size I want to be. I am thankful for her honesty and for her gentle reminder that I can lose the weight. I realized I don't really feel like or want to pray for someone else's marriage any longer. No, I was never asked, well maybe I was. It came up at church. It may seem selfish, but I don't know if both parties in the marriage are doing all they can and praying. I pray for people all the time, but I have never prayed about a marriage when I have never talked to the people. No, I don't need to talk to them, Lord knows I do not want to have any part of what is going on in their marriage. It would be nice to know things are going great and I can use that time to pray for something besides someone else's marriage, especially when I am not married. Which brings me to another realization. I am broken. The circumstances and situations of my life have left me feeling broken and disadvantaged. I did not grow up with my father in my life, we had been estranged for most of my life. I feel at a disadvantage, because I do not know of the foundational relationship between a father and his daughter. I had to learn on my own how a man is to treat a woman. I find myself looking in the world for a man to fill these broken places in my heart with affection and love. I know this is foolish, God fills those broken pieces. I ask God for love and affection and He showers me with his mercy, grace and love. Here when I am in the arms of my Savior is when I am truly loved. There has never been a moment. . . .
Never been a moment by Micah Tyler
Gonna take a nap now. Looking forward to serving at the Big Daddy Weave concert tonight!!
It is funny how strange and peculiar this journey we call life. Today we just finished a three week serious on when we feel God is not mindful of our situation, our circumstances. The series was about those times when you feel like to you are trying your hardest to do His will and do what is right. However, things are not going the way you want. For example, haven't been cured of an ailment, haven' gotten the promotion you needed, have found that person for you. You see your friends, fellow sisters and brothers in Christ, even atheist or non believers happy and prosperous. This where I was, I ask God sometimes if He will meet me where I am. Because John the Baptist wasn't fit to tie his shoe laces. I am beneath him. This came at the right time, Now, the radio is launching World Biggest small group. The title aptly suited for this season: Beyond the Suffering. This is starting as we change into fall.
There was a couple of things that bothered me this week. The first was on road. I going to say something that bothered me, then I am going to say something I like. It irks me to no end for someone to change lanes while crossing an intersection. It is also against the law. One thing I like about my city, are the round-abouts. They are like a little traffic dance, that everyone must actively participate. If everyone pays attention, we can all continue on our way without having to stop. They are neat, my brain likes them.
Another issue I have is "unaware competition". I don't compete. Some don't mind being in competition with their friends, this actually drives them; on the other hand,I do not. Competition to me requires a comparison. I am unlike anyone else, no one else has lived the life I have lived, nor I theirs. The only thing I am after is the love of God, and He has more than enough of this to go around. Not sure of anyone else, but there are times when I feel as though I am in a competition, but I am unaware. I don't want to compete, I want to follow the will God has for my life. It is not always easy. I make mistakes, I fail, I hurt, I cry, I laugh, I love and I keep on moving. There is not an option for me to quit or give up.
Today I watched a movie, one of of the characters mention that feel when you feel disconnected, You have prayed, and prayed and you have listened, but you hear from God. That feel when He feels out of reach, when He is out of the office handling some major crisis. He isn't though. He is right there with me,
In my day to day life I have to break news to people which they do not want to hear. When they have a hard time accepting this, I explain "There are aspects outside of our control. . . ". Today I found myself faced with these same words. I find myself faced with a situation outside of my control, and I don't want to accept it. I have not always been as spiritual as I am now, this has been a long journey and a evolving relationship with God. There have been times when I felt God had turned his back on me and times when I have felt disconnected. In hind sight, I realized now it was me who turned my back on Him. There is a guy. I wanted so badly to get to know him and see where this journey called life could take us. My type A personality wanted to make this happen. I tried not to get ahead of myself and force things, by letting them take their natural course. You see I know all to well what it is like to love someone that has an addiction to sex, alcohol, drugs, food, relationships, you name it. I was married for five years and spent the entire five years praying and trying to change another person. I was young, I thought I would be able to change him. Nothing worked, I succeeded in learning some very important lessons. Primarily, I learned you can't change people, and you can't take it personal when they are not ready to face those demons. Yes, they are demons. It takes a strong resolve to wrestle and stay the fight to overcome. If I had not been raised to know that God is my rock, my resolve, I would not be able to say where I would have ended up.
