Kintsukuroi

I heard some hard truths this week. In a long over due talk with someone that has no problem being frank and unfiltered, things began to come back into focus. I was told I was beautiful and attractive (this is a truth I was aware of), however, the guys I am attracted to are not attracted to fat or overweight black women. Larger black women are known for bigger backsides and hips. This thought had crossed my mind before, ignored and shuffled to the back of my mind, never to cross my mind again. I frustratingly, sought men inside and outside of my race; never finding a compatible and attracted guy. I decided to do some digging into this large black women dilemma. One website said:  In the African American community " it has been known that the bigger the backside the better. The rounder the breast the better. The thicker the legs the more beautiful. In the other communities this has been the complete opposite. The bigger the butt, the less attractive. If your hips are too wide you’re considered fat. Thinner is usually all around better within the other communities. In the discussion, I was told the men I am attracted to outside my race may find me beautiful or exotic, but my size will be a turn off.  This is the hard part of the truth.   This frankness of a friend was what I needed to hear, and possibly what I needed to hear  when I was younger. 
Another website said "no matter what race you are– the ideal body type is skinny/small/thin and while women of color may be praised for having fat in the “right places” (i.e. a big butt, full hips or large breasts), larger woman have " been looked over by guys… been told to lose weight in order to become desirable." This has been the case with me.  After this discussion, I remembered a conversation I had with a nutritionist in my adolescence ( I was about 12 or 13),  I have been overweight all my life. I was sent to a nutritionist and I remember her sitting across from me and asking, don't you want to have a boyfriend, don't you want to be asked to prom, you want to have your first kiss right?. I remember sitting there and  looking at her small frame for what felt like 15 minutes straight and not saying anything. Thinking to myself of course I do, however  if it means I have to be skinny, I wont ever be found attractive. She then confirmed what I was thinking. She said boys are not going to be attracted to you if you are overweight.  I remember crying on the way home, because I had to accept a hard truth at such a young age.  It was then I learned I would have to come to accept my body or make changes. 
This was not the last time my weight and feeling undesirable would come up.  My last year of high school I met a guy who I was friends with for over two decades. One night while we were out he said "being with a girl that size would be lowering his standards" (he had quite a few drink in his defense). On another occasion while celebrating  in Miami with two friends, we were turned around or prohibited from entering a nightclub because of my size. In the the end, my frank and unfiltered friend was trying to help. Though I have come to terms with my size, this still is not the size I want to be.  I am thankful for her honesty and for her gentle reminder that I can lose the weight. 

I realized I don't really feel like or want to pray for someone else's marriage any longer. No, I was never asked, well maybe I was.  It came up at church. It may seem selfish, but I don't know if both parties in the marriage are doing all they can and praying.  I pray for people all the time, but I have never prayed about a marriage when I have never talked to the people.  No, I don't need to talk to them, Lord knows I do not want to have any part of what is going on in their marriage. It would be nice to know things are going great and I can use that time to pray for something besides someone else's marriage, especially when I am not married.  
Which brings me to another realization.  I am broken. The circumstances and situations of my life have left me feeling broken and disadvantaged.  I did not grow up with my father in my life, we had been estranged for most of my life.  I feel at a disadvantage, because I do not know of the foundational relationship between a father and his daughter.  I had to learn on my own how a man is to treat a woman. I find myself looking in the world for a man to fill these broken places in my heart with affection and love.  I know this is foolish, God fills those broken pieces. I ask God for love and affection and He showers me with his mercy, grace and love. Here when I am in the arms of my Savior is when I am truly loved.   There has never been a moment. . . .

                                Never been a moment by Micah Tyler



Gonna take a nap now.  Looking forward to serving at the Big Daddy Weave concert tonight!!