Kintsukuroi

I heard some hard truths this week. In a long over due talk with someone that has no problem being frank and unfiltered, things began to come back into focus. I was told I was beautiful and attractive (this is a truth I was aware of), however, the guys I am attracted to are not attracted to fat or overweight black women. Larger black women are known for bigger backsides and hips. This thought had crossed my mind before, ignored and shuffled to the back of my mind, never to cross my mind again. I frustratingly, sought men inside and outside of my race; never finding a compatible and attracted guy. I decided to do some digging into this large black women dilemma. One website said:  In the African American community " it has been known that the bigger the backside the better. The rounder the breast the better. The thicker the legs the more beautiful. In the other communities this has been the complete opposite. The bigger the butt, the less attractive. If your hips are too wide you’re considered fat. Thinner is usually all around better within the other communities. In the discussion, I was told the men I am attracted to outside my race may find me beautiful or exotic, but my size will be a turn off.  This is the hard part of the truth.   This frankness of a friend was what I needed to hear, and possibly what I needed to hear  when I was younger. 
Another website said "no matter what race you are– the ideal body type is skinny/small/thin and while women of color may be praised for having fat in the “right places” (i.e. a big butt, full hips or large breasts), larger woman have " been looked over by guys… been told to lose weight in order to become desirable." This has been the case with me.  After this discussion, I remembered a conversation I had with a nutritionist in my adolescence ( I was about 12 or 13),  I have been overweight all my life. I was sent to a nutritionist and I remember her sitting across from me and asking, don't you want to have a boyfriend, don't you want to be asked to prom, you want to have your first kiss right?. I remember sitting there and  looking at her small frame for what felt like 15 minutes straight and not saying anything. Thinking to myself of course I do, however  if it means I have to be skinny, I wont ever be found attractive. She then confirmed what I was thinking. She said boys are not going to be attracted to you if you are overweight.  I remember crying on the way home, because I had to accept a hard truth at such a young age.  It was then I learned I would have to come to accept my body or make changes. 
This was not the last time my weight and feeling undesirable would come up.  My last year of high school I met a guy who I was friends with for over two decades. One night while we were out he said "being with a girl that size would be lowering his standards" (he had quite a few drink in his defense). On another occasion while celebrating  in Miami with two friends, we were turned around or prohibited from entering a nightclub because of my size. In the the end, my frank and unfiltered friend was trying to help. Though I have come to terms with my size, this still is not the size I want to be.  I am thankful for her honesty and for her gentle reminder that I can lose the weight. 

I realized I don't really feel like or want to pray for someone else's marriage any longer. No, I was never asked, well maybe I was.  It came up at church. It may seem selfish, but I don't know if both parties in the marriage are doing all they can and praying.  I pray for people all the time, but I have never prayed about a marriage when I have never talked to the people.  No, I don't need to talk to them, Lord knows I do not want to have any part of what is going on in their marriage. It would be nice to know things are going great and I can use that time to pray for something besides someone else's marriage, especially when I am not married.  
Which brings me to another realization.  I am broken. The circumstances and situations of my life have left me feeling broken and disadvantaged.  I did not grow up with my father in my life, we had been estranged for most of my life.  I feel at a disadvantage, because I do not know of the foundational relationship between a father and his daughter.  I had to learn on my own how a man is to treat a woman. I find myself looking in the world for a man to fill these broken places in my heart with affection and love.  I know this is foolish, God fills those broken pieces. I ask God for love and affection and He showers me with his mercy, grace and love. Here when I am in the arms of my Savior is when I am truly loved.   There has never been a moment. . . .

                                Never been a moment by Micah Tyler



Gonna take a nap now.  Looking forward to serving at the Big Daddy Weave concert tonight!!

In this season.

It is funny how strange and  peculiar this journey we call life.  Today we just finished a three week serious on when we feel God is not mindful of our situation, our circumstances.  The series was about those times when you feel like to you are trying your hardest to do His will and do what is right. However, things are not going the way you want.  For example, haven't been cured of an ailment, haven' gotten the promotion you needed,  have found that person for you. You see your friends, fellow sisters and brothers in Christ, even atheist or non believers happy and prosperous.  This where I was, I ask God sometimes if He will meet me where I am.  Because John the Baptist wasn't fit to tie his shoe laces.  I am beneath him.  This came at the right time, Now, the radio is launching World Biggest small group.  The title  aptly suited for this season: Beyond the Suffering. This is starting as we change into fall.
There was a couple of things that bothered me this week.  The first was on road.  I going to say something that bothered me, then I am going to say something I like.  It irks me to no end for someone to change lanes while crossing an intersection. It is also against the law.  One thing I like about my city, are the round-abouts. They are like a little traffic dance, that everyone must actively participate. If everyone pays attention, we can all continue on our way without having to  stop.  They are neat, my brain likes them.
Another issue I have is "unaware competition".  I don't compete.  Some don't mind being in competition with their friends, this actually drives them; on the other hand,I  do not.  Competition to me requires a comparison.  I am unlike anyone else, no one else has lived the life I have lived, nor I theirs.  The only thing I am after is the love of God, and He has more than enough of this to go around. Not sure of anyone else, but there are times when I feel as though I am in a competition, but I am unaware. I don't want to compete, I want to follow the will God has for my life.  It is not always easy.  I make mistakes, I fail, I hurt, I cry, I laugh, I love and  I keep on moving. There is not an option for me to quit or give up.

Today I watched a movie, one of of the characters mention that feel when you feel disconnected,  You have prayed, and prayed and you have listened, but you hear from God.  That feel when He feels out of reach, when He is out of the office handling some major crisis. He isn't though.  He is  right there with me,

I need him more than I know. . .

Goliath

In my day to day life I have to break news to people which they do not want to hear.  When they have a hard time accepting this, I explain "There are aspects outside of our control. . . ".  Today I found myself faced with these same words. I find myself faced with a situation outside of my control, and I don't want to accept it. I have not always been as spiritual as I am now, this has been a long journey and a evolving relationship with God. There have been times when I felt God had turned his back on me and times when I have felt disconnected. In hind sight, I realized now it was me who turned my back on Him.  There is a guy. I wanted so badly to get to know him and see where this journey called life could take us.  My type A personality wanted to make this happen.  I tried not to get ahead of myself and force things, by letting them take their natural course.  You see I know all to well what it is like to love someone that has an addiction to sex, alcohol, drugs, food, relationships, you name it. I was married for five years and spent the entire five years praying and trying to change another person.  I was young, I thought I would be able to change him. Nothing worked, I succeeded in learning some very important lessons.  Primarily, I learned you can't change people, and you can't take it personal when they are not ready to face those demons.  Yes, they are demons. It takes a strong resolve to wrestle and stay the fight to overcome.  If I had not been raised to know that God is my rock, my resolve, I would not be able to say where I would have ended up.






I love you.



. . . and will always be praying for you.

Bring your brokenness and I will bring mine, we can meet at the cross.

"I can't deal.  The senseless killing is the reason I stopped watching the television show: The First 48.  The recent events in Texas and the two men killed by law enforcement is senseless, and a tragedy.  I have not mentioned or made any comment towards the events on social media.  Some view this as silence. Many have expressed their anger and disgust with those who have not said anything about the events. The pain and hurt of these events are felt deep, not just  into my soul, but to the heart of a our nation.. My heart aches for families and future generations affected.  I am overwhelmed with just coping with the actions, nothing in life prepares you for this.  To be honest, I don't know what to say."

The above post was written after initially finding out the events that took place.  I still don't know what to say.  I turned to God, the only answer I have.  I talked to Him and  asked Him to put it on my heart how to give Him glory even in this situation.  One thought, a phrase came to mind: "One nation, under God.".  We are one nation, made of different nationalities, cultures and subsets.  I don't have answers, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, have a plan or even an idea where to start.  What I know is we need to pray for our nation.  So, If you think my silence is deafening and you don't think I am doing enough, know that I am praying. Bring your brokenness and I will bring mine, we can meet at the cross.


Today was one of those days.  I am feeling bloated, unattractive and  undesirable. I could tell my mind was reverting to that "Stinkin Thinkin" mentality.  I want to avoid going there. I asked two people to go with me to the gym.  Unfortunately, both fell through; It turned out for the best.   I ended up reaching out to a friend and we chatted about waiting for God and His timing.  We talked about how difficult it is to give up control and place things in Gods hands, but we can take comfort in knowing it will be well worth the wait.

I say a post that reminded me so much of me.  This is the post:

                       



  This week, I find myself "In the eye of the storm".

  He is strengthening me; while bringing me closer to Him.  I thank God for my trials and tribulation and give Him all glory and praise.

       

                                       *****Enjoy the rest of your week******

Walking by faith and trusting. . . .

Its the hardest thing to walk by faith and trust in God when you are going through a storm.  Right now, I am in the eye of the storm.  I feel completely vulnerable and exposed.  Things are happening outside of my control.  I know God is working in my life and this is where I find my comfort.  I worry at times, though I know I shouldn't.  It is because I don't know what He is doing. My Savior is all knowing and wants only good things for me. I pray He gives me clarity, I pray for grace and in His will and his time, for ultimately His glory.

Its no secret that I have been single for some time now.  There are times when loneliness weighs heavy on my heart and I desire nothing more than to be in a relationship.  Then there are times like now, when I am in the storm; and I need to focus.  You see I tend to be "hyper-focused".  I am better able to focus on a task than on people. I don't want my insecurities, doubts, or fears projected onto another person. My current situation is a good example.  I am struggling, I don't want the guy that God has for me to see me struggling. I want to be an uplifting, encouraging and supportive. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware relationships are not always rainbows and sunshine, I just believe they  have a better chance when they start off on a good setting. When in the storm, its easier to focus on praying over issues or giving it over to God and focusing on Him.


   I

Things seem to be coming at me in all directions. Dealing with everything on my own just feels overwhelming at times,  Through tears, prayers, praise  and petitions to God, I know this too shall pass and I will get through this. I am just so tired of fighting to be strong and hold my head up in spite of all my set backs each and every day, day in and day out. Its hard trusting even in God, to know though I can not see the outcome, this is frustrating.  God has a plan for this season, and this plan will bring Him glory.   The above quote helps me to remember: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

A friend from church sent me a link to "On Being Single", a radio broadcast.  This broadcasting gave me a good bit of insight and clarity.

On Being Single http://www.fromhisheart.org/player?bid=61125081-dfb0-4254-aeb2-c239b74efe88
This broadcast further confirms, the need to wait on Gods timing.  I want to be with someone who wants to be in  relationship.  I saw an old television show today that I have not seen in a long time: Cheaters.  There was one story that I am sure is all to common in relationships. The woman was under the impression she and this guy were "together" since she had been there for him for several years.  When I say been there, she was pouring in her love and time, while satisfying his physical needs. However, when he took calls in the middle of the night for his business, he would say they were  "just friends".  He actually didn't want a relationship (though of course he wanted the benefits).  This selfishness is hurtful, if a woman wants more and a man does not, why not be  mature enough to walk away and leave her alone. This woman has now invested time and wasted several year of her life trying to make a man happy who has no concern for her happiness or her heart.

I want to love slow and deliberate.  It should be with someone who wants a relationship, someone who will want to put in the work to make the relationship last.  This is the reason I am waiting for God.  I am willing to wait for the the person God has for me that is just as hard a worker as I am,  I deserve a guy that is willing and able.

Enough of being in my feelings.  I will keep my head up and let God direct the right man to me.  In the mean time, I will be content with being single.

I found a great new workout video for abs/core:  WORKOUT YOU CAN DO WHILE SITTING COMFORTABLY.  I wonder if these exercses can be adjusted to sitting on a stability ball. 
https://www.facebook.com/doviesworkout/videos/668116460005593/


There are a couple of songs I have heard at just the right time.

   Lyrics

Another heartbreak day
Feels like you’re miles away
Don’t even need no shade
When your sun don’t shine, shine

Too many passin’ dreams
Roll by like limousines
It’s hard to keep believin’
When they pass you by and by

I know your heart been broke again
I know your prayers ain’t been answered yet
I know you’re feeling like you got nothing left
Well, lift your head, it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet so

Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on
Move, keep walkin’ until the mornin’ comes
Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on
And lift your head, it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet

Echoin’ inside your head
Are the words that your sweet momma said,
“shoot for the moon, my dear”
So you took aim out of this atmosphere
Between high stakes and pump fakes
You’re feelin’ like you can’t buy a break
I can hold your hand, but I can’t turn your eyes to freedom

I know your heart been broke again
I know your prayers ain’t been answered yet
I know you’re feeling like you got nothing left
Well, lift your head, it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet so

Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on
Move, keep walkin’ until the mornin’ comes
Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on
And lift your head, it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet

Hold on, hold on
Lord ain’t finished yet
Hold on, hold on
He’ll get you through this
Hold on, hold on
These are the promises
I never will forget
I never will forget [x2]

I know your heart been broke again
I know your prayers ain’t been answered yet
it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet so

Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on
Move, keep walkin’ until the mornin’ comes
Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on
And lift your head, it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet..

Little known secret: Found my confidence in Christ.

It has been a while since I have posted.  I guess I have been learning some things about myself.  My meal plan has finally been solidified and trying out some work out plans at the gym. 

I have come to accept I am an affectionate person.  I want cuddle time and that isn't a bad thing. I wonder if this can count as being vulnerable or transparent, because this is a little weird to admit. I crave human touch and intimacy.  I like hugs and kisses, don't judge me. 

                  

For some this can be too much.  For me its a norm.  I'm a passionate person and I don't have a problem showing it.  Don't get me wrong; I am not a big public display of affection kind of person.  I am fully aware of where it is  appropriate to draw the line in public. When not in public I am fond of cuddling, affection and passionate touch-there I said it. 

I am stepping out of my comfort zone with something else.  I signed up for a social dinner, this is an attmept to not be a recluse. With the unfortunate recent events, I have become more anxious and have not wanted to venture out of my home without necessity.  I don't want these horrible recent  acts by another person to handicap my life.  I have another week before the dinner. My insecurities are throwing questions of doubt and fear around in my head.  Will I be looked down on because of my size?  Will I not be accepted because of my color or nationality?  Will I have anything of significance to contribute.  I pray the voices in my head don't talk me out of going. 

My food plan has been solidified , however it can change.  I need to be able to make adjustments according to the outcome.  Some more things may need to be added to the list of things I am not able to eat. The plan is for 3 meals a day, one day at a time. At least 30g of fiber a day with 8-9 servings of fruit and vegetables mixed. 

To this I am adding:  no soda, no butter and  no white rice.   Adding fiber has its added benefits when it comes to changing your life style.  Many sites say the recommended fiber intake is 25-35 g per day, the average adults get about 15 g per day.   

Why is fiber important?

A high-fiber diet appears to reduce the risk of developing various conditions, including heart disease, diabetes, diverticulitis disease, constipation and colon cancer. Fiber is important for the health of the digestive system and for lowering cholesterol.

What is fiber?

Dietary fiber is material from plant cells that cannot be broken down by enzymes in the human digestive tract. There are two important types of fiber: water-soluble and water insoluble. Each has different properties and characteristics.

• Soluble — Water-soluble fibers absorb water during digestion. They increase stool bulk and may decrease blood cholesterol levels. Soluble fiber can be found in fruits (such as apples, oranges and grapefruit), vegetables, legumes (such as dry beans, lentils and peas), barley, oats and oat bran.
• Insoluble — Water-insoluble fibers remain unchanged during digestion. They promote normal movement of intestinal contents. Insoluble fiber can be found in fruits with edible peel or seeds, vegetables, whole grain products (such as whole-wheat bread, pasta and crackers), bulgur wheat, stone ground corn meal, cereals, bran, rolled oats, buckwheat and brown rice.

How much fiber do I need each day?

The American Heart Association Eating Plan suggests eating a variety of food fiber sources. Total dietary fiber intake should be 25 to 30 grams a day from food, not supplements. Currently, dietary fiber intakes among adults in the United States average about 15 grams a day. That's about half the recommended amount.   (University California San Francisco: https://www.ucsfhealth.org/education/increasing_fiber_intake/).

Meal Plan Packed With Fiber:

This sample menu for a day gives you 37 grams of fiber:

• Breakfast: whole-grain bran flake cereal (5 grams of fiber), half a banana (1.5 grams of fiber), and skim milk.
• Snack: 24 almonds (3.3 grams of fiber) and a quarter cup of raisins (1.5 grams of fiber)
• Lunch: Turkey sandwich made with 2 slices of whole wheat bread, lettuce, and tomato (5 grams of fiber), and an orange (3.1 grams of fiber)
• Snack: Yogurt with half a cup of blueberries (2 grams of fiber)
• Dinner: Grilled fish with a salad of romaine lettuce and shredded carrots (2.6 grams of fiber), half a cup of spinach (2.1 grams of fiber), and half a cup of lentils (7.5 grams of fiber)
• Snack: 3 cups popped popcorn (3.5 grams of fiber)

7 Ways to Add More Fiber

1. Start your day with a whole-grain cereal that has at least 5 grams of fiber. Look at the list of ingredients to be sure the whole grain (such as whole wheat, whole rye, or whole oats) is first on the list.
2. Read labels and choose foods with at least a few grams of fiber per serving. A good source of fiber has 2.5-4.9 grams of fiber per serving. An excellent source has 5 grams or more per serving.
3. Use whole-grain breads with at least 2-3 grams of fiber per slice for sandwiches.
4. Choose whole fruit over juice. Whole fruit can have as much as twice the amount of fiber as a glass of juice.
5. Toss beans into your soups, stews, egg dishes, salads, chili, and Mexican dishes. Substitute beans for all of the meat in at least one vegetarian meal per week.
6. Experiment with international cuisines (such as Indian or Middle Eastern) that use whole grains and beans in main dishes.
7. Snack on raw vegetables with bean dip or hummus. It's best to boost fiber in your diet gradually and drink plenty of water, so your  digestive system has time to adjust.
   A good rule of thumb is to add about 5 grams of fiber per day, spread throughout the day, until you reach your goal.  (WebMD: http://www.webmd.com/diet/guide/fiber-how-much-do-you-need?page=2)

Last would be an exercise plan. Going to the gym everyday has gotten mundane and this leads to me not wanting to go.  This is what I have come up with,  gym Monday, Wednesday (cardio) and Friday (strength training) for one hour.  Tuesday and Thursday we go to the park and go walking for at least 2 miles.  On the days we go walking, yoga stretches after to make for at least an hour.  It is my goal to work in planks, mountain climbers and Russian twists (or something else equally undesirable).  One thing at a time, I am going to try this for a couple of weeks and see how things turn out. 

Heard this for the first time walking in the park one night.  Love it:

3-Way call

There is nothing more childish and deceitful than having someone listen in on a conversation. On a three way call, where the third person is brought into the conversation without both of the original parties chatting knowing.  What is the purpose of this?  If they do not wish to contribute to the conversation, what right do they have to listen in and for what purpose?  To later us what you have said in private against you.  The worst person is the one trying to facilitate this other person listening in.  I don't trust either person nor do I really want to have anything to do with either.  I just don't get it why adults, grown people do something so high school. I am on a rant and just needed to get this off my chest.

I had a pretty good week, despite Friday being the 13th. Having a plan in place for eating helps to stay on track with my consumption.





Next I want to start a fitness challenge, one doing the three things I dislike the most: Burpees, Mountain climbers and planks.


 

I heard this song for the first time this weekend as I volunteered a this Building 429 for Kids concert.

Bonfire is on fire!