I cant sleep. Likely because I took a nap earlier. I have been reading, but my mind keeps making it's way back to this guy. I talk to God about him, something that is new for me. I have asked God if I can love him. You know for a sign, or confirmation that I can let go and love him. I am beyond afraid, though. Afraid he doesn't feel the same, afraid that even, if he does, I am going to mess up. I have been told I am not easy to love. Would he stick it out when my insecurities and doubt start flooding in? Would he think it is too much work to love me and leave? An ex boyfriend once told me he could not love me the way I wanted. My ex left me feeling as though something was wrong with me. I fear this guy, can love me. I fear the potential I see in his heart to love me inspite my imperfections. What shall I do with myself if he is the answer to my prayers? How can I sleep when my soul seems to want to dance or catch up with an old friend. What do I do should God says its okay for me to love him. Should my heavenly Father give His blessing, what then? I love hard, with all that I am. But am I worthy? God speak to me, I need to hear from you.
I keep reminding myself to stay grounded. If he wanted to talk to you, he would call. He could message also. Then I remeber: He is dating, don't make a fool of yourself. My heart has been broken into a million pieces before. I try every distraction and tact know to man to try and not think about him. Nothing works, especially when just seeing his smile makes my day brighter.
These are the thoughts running through my mind at almost 2 o'clock in the morning. I'm not sure if I should even publish this, these are just some feelings I wanted to get off my mind.
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