Where hope can be found

This week has been an emotional roller coaster.   "My Bestie" and I talked, to work through some of my emotions and to be supportive through her emotional week. We started talking about discomfort in your feelings.  The feelings that just do not seem to go away, nor are they easily ignored. We acknowledged most people have built in coping mechanism, a temporary solution to an underlying issue.  A good analogy  would be taking over the counter medicine for a recurring headache.  The medicines are treating the symptom, not addressing the cause of the headaches.    We use everything from overeating, to alcohol, drugs, sex and even other people (when it comes to loneliness) to try and not feel that pain. Its the pain that gets most people, this is what so many want to just numb and not feel. Numb the pain of loss, loneliness, disappointment, failure, inadequacy, insecurity and  hurt.  My friend said she was told you have to feel the discomfort, feel the pain and not do, but leave yourself raw and open.  F***, that, I told her to me, that feels like nothing less than being a baby and sitting in a "shitty" diaper.  Its uncomfortable, you can't do anything about it, you have to just feel ? She got a good laugh out of my "shitty" diaper analogy, but really who wants to do that? 

Our talk actually came at a good time, it was something we both needed.  Lately, I have been struggling when it comes to my feelings.  Struggles with loneliness and struggles with feelings I have for a guy.  It is no secret I have been single for quite some time.  I would have never acknowledged this before, but I have feelings for someone.  Now that I have gotten that out, I have no idea what to do with it. The fear of rejection keeps me from just telling this person, while the loneliness brings silent tears, that are never seen. (Yes, I cry. I am human).  I was watching a television show, where a  lady revealed feelings she had for a co-worker. She was becoming more and more jealous of the  women in his life.  She just couldn't take it anymore and she told him she had feelings for him for a while. He told her  he also has had feelings for her for a while. For dramatic affect, and entertainment purposes I am sure, she got to get that kiss.  You know that kiss as though "I-have-put-everything-out on-the-table, and-I-may-not-get-another-chance, so-I-am-taking-this-one-kiss."  I know it does not work like that in real life, and I resent the television shows and social media for making it seem it does.

One of my bad habits is putting other people on a pedestal and then not wanting to deal with them once they fall short and prove they are human.  I also try and think the very best of people, until I am proven otherwise. I reason that I am keeping an open mind and not being judgmental.  Unfortunately,  this further compounds my issues with trust. I start to analyze and overthink the situation, to the point that I have to find a distraction before it consumes me. Normally, I would deal with this on my own and no one would ever know. You see, I have very little trust for others. Likely because I have had trust issues for so long, and there are not very many people who have proven me wrong. Yet, I still long for and stay up at night wanting to feel that connection with another person. It took me a long time to realize manipulative people will take advantage of this, if given the chance.

Lately, I felt so frustrated and have wanted to give up.  I have felt discouraged, lost, and broken, when my simple desire is to feel that connection with another person and be loved. Thank God,  I keep hearing this little voice, this whisper that says "Hold on, don't give up, keep going."   This is what I will listen to, trust and keep in my heart. The rest, I will let go.

"O' Lord"

Whoa...

Though times it seems
Like I'm coming undone
This walk can often feel lonely
No matter what until this race is won
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found

Oh, O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face this I know in time
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right

Whoa...

Your strength is found
At the end of my road
Your grace it reaches to the hurting
Still through the tears and the questioning why
I will stand my ground where hope can be found!
I will stand my ground where hope can be found!

Oh, O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face This I know in time
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
(Right, so Right)
Make it Right,
(Right so Right)
Make it Right, Right

I will stand my ground
I will stand my ground

I will stand my ground where hope can be found!
I will stand my ground where hope can be found!

Oh! O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face this I know in time
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
(Right, so Right)
Make it Right,
(Right so Right)
Make it Right, Right

I surrender

Today was a good day, lunch was especially memorable. I found out about a good dentist in town.  It is times like this, I wish I had a therapist to tell about my day- a blog post will have to suffice. Things have been going crazy, it reminds me of  lyrics to this song: "So much to do in so little time, ", "It’s off to the races everybody out the door. I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life"  There is work, school, and an abnormal check up with my teenager, this is just touching the surface. 
I have come close to losing it at times, but held it together and pushed on. Strong is in my genetics, my family has a lot of strong women who set great examples.  No family is perfect, I have learned though, a bad family is better than no family. I miss my mom, she would have loved to hear about my lunch today. 
I am looking forward to the Big Church night out concert coming on October 28th, of course I have already signed up to volunteer.  My issues with food are work in progress,  I know this will always be a challenge.  I have my bad days, there are times when I feel as though I will never reach my goal. I also have feelings of unworthiness and self doubt.  The difference is now I have the tools to deal with the issues I am facing. I have a wonderful support system and will push, on taking each day one at a time. 

Gracefully Broken

Different

To day was eye opening. I was ask what I wanted to do.  Before I answered, he said "You will only be happy if you are productive and you are paid enough".  It dawned on me, feeling productive does make me happy.

God help me. . . .

God Help Me

There is a wrestling in my heart and my mind
A disturbance and a tension I cannot seem to drive 
And if I'm honest, there's quite a bit of fear 
To sit here in this silence and really hear You 

What will you ask of me?
Will I listen to your voice when you speak?

Help me to move
Help me to see
Help me to do whatever you would ask of me 
Help me to go 
(Or) God help me to stay 

I'm feeling so alone here 
And I know that You're faithful But I can barely breathe 
God help me

Sometimes things, they are black and white
But sometimes they are not and it leaves us torn inside
And in the middle we are left to wonder
Who we are, what You want and where we're going
Oh such a mystery
I don't always understand
But I believe

Help me to move
Help me to see
Help me to do whatever you would ask of me 
Help me to go 
(Or) God help me to stay 
I'm feeling so alone here 
And I know that You're faithful But I can barely breathe 
God help me

I don't know the future
It's one day at a time 
But I know I'll be okay with Your Hand holding mine 
So take all my resistance 
Oh God I need Your grace 
One step and then the other Show me the way 
Show me the way

Help me to move
Help me to see
Help me to do whatever you would ask of me 
Help me to go 
(Or) God help me to stay 
I'm feeling so alone here 
And I know that You're faithful But I can barely breathe 
God help me

-Plumb

I am in every word of this song right now. . . God help me. 

Just hold on, and I'll find you

I am so tired.  I'm tired of feeling tired and tired of being lonely.

I'll Find You

Lecrae

Just fight a little longer my friend
It's all worth it in the end
But when you got nobody to turn to
Just hold on, and I'll find you
I'll find you
I'll find you
Just hold on, and I'll find you

I'm hanging on by a thread
And all I'm clinging to is prayers
And every breath is like a battle
I feel like I ain't come prepared
And death's knockin' on the front door
Pain's creepin' through the back
Fear's crawlin' through the windows
Waiting for em' to attack
They say "Don't get bitter, get better"
I'm working on switching them letters
But tell God I'mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together
I'm smilin' in everyone's face
I'm cryin' whenever they leave the room
They don't know the battle I face
They don't understand what I'm going through
The world tryna play with my soul
I'm just tryna find where to go
I'm tryna remember the way
I'm tryna get back to my home
But, I can't do this on my own
That's why I'm just trusting in you
Cuz' I don't know where else to go
And, I don't know what else to do

Just fight a little longer my friend
It's all worth it in the end
But, when you've got nobody to turn to
Just hold on, and I'll find you
Just fight a little longer my friend
It's all worth it in the end
But, when you've got nobody to turn to
Just hold on, and I'll find you
I'll find you
I'll find you
Just hold on, and I'll find you
I'll find you
I'll find you
Just hold on, and I'll find you
They say fear haunts
And pain hates
I say pain strengthens
And fear drives faith
And I don't know all of the outcomes
Don't know what happens tomorrow
But when that ocean of doubt comes
Don't let me drown in my sorrow
And don't let me stay at the bottom
I feel like this hole is too deep to climb
I've been lookin' for a way out
But I'll settle for a peace of mind
Picking up the pieces of my life and hopin' that I'll put together something right
Tell me all I got is all I need
Tell me you gon' help me stand and fight

The world trying to play with my soul
I'm just tryna find where to go
I'm trying to remember the way
I'm trying to get back to my home
But, I can't do this on my own
That's why I'm just trusting in you
Cuz' I don't know where else to go
And, I don't know what else to do
No don't let the fear
Make you feel like you can't fight this on your own
You know I, I'll be there for you no matter where you go
You'll never be alone, no

Just fight a little longer my friend
It's all worth it in the end
But, when you've got nobody to turn to
Just hold on, and I'll find you
Just fight a little longer my friend
It's all worth it in the end
But, when you've got nobody to turn to
Just hold on, and I'll find you
I'll find you
I'll find you
Just hold on, and I'll find you
I'll find you
I'll find you
Just hold on, and I'll find you

Songwriters: Daniel Majic / John Mitchell / Justin Franks / Lecrae Moore / Natalie Sims / Sasha Sloan / Victoria Kelly

Broken Things

 I presented a community service project today and I am elated.   I got everything accomplished and still remained flexible and open.  Being someone that is very focused and driven, any deviations are unlikely without extensive analysis.  I started to get nervous and the anxiety started to roll in at the last minute. However,  I worked through it and  was grateful for the opportunity in the end.  To say I have a lot on my plate right now is a gross understatement. Recently, I have attained more responsibilities while making major changes to my current responsibilities. Moving forward, I think I will be using more of this "Focused and Flexible" approach.

Meshes Sands

I saw this video and well, it speaks for itself.  Volumes. 

First time visit to Meshes Sands.  June 17th 2017.