Where hope can be found

This week has been an emotional roller coaster.   "My Bestie" and I talked, to work through some of my emotions and to be supportive through her emotional week. We started talking about discomfort in your feelings.  The feelings that just do not seem to go away, nor are they easily ignored. We acknowledged most people have built in coping mechanism, a temporary solution to an underlying issue.  A good analogy  would be taking over the counter medicine for a recurring headache.  The medicines are treating the symptom, not addressing the cause of the headaches.    We use everything from overeating, to alcohol, drugs, sex and even other people (when it comes to loneliness) to try and not feel that pain. Its the pain that gets most people, this is what so many want to just numb and not feel. Numb the pain of loss, loneliness, disappointment, failure, inadequacy, insecurity and  hurt.  My friend said she was told you have to feel the discomfort, feel the pain and not do, but leave yourself raw and open.  F***, that, I told her to me, that feels like nothing less than being a baby and sitting in a "shitty" diaper.  Its uncomfortable, you can't do anything about it, you have to just feel ? She got a good laugh out of my "shitty" diaper analogy, but really who wants to do that? 

Our talk actually came at a good time, it was something we both needed.  Lately, I have been struggling when it comes to my feelings.  Struggles with loneliness and struggles with feelings I have for a guy.  It is no secret I have been single for quite some time.  I would have never acknowledged this before, but I have feelings for someone.  Now that I have gotten that out, I have no idea what to do with it. The fear of rejection keeps me from just telling this person, while the loneliness brings silent tears, that are never seen. (Yes, I cry. I am human).  I was watching a television show, where a  lady revealed feelings she had for a co-worker. She was becoming more and more jealous of the  women in his life.  She just couldn't take it anymore and she told him she had feelings for him for a while. He told her  he also has had feelings for her for a while. For dramatic affect, and entertainment purposes I am sure, she got to get that kiss.  You know that kiss as though "I-have-put-everything-out on-the-table, and-I-may-not-get-another-chance, so-I-am-taking-this-one-kiss."  I know it does not work like that in real life, and I resent the television shows and social media for making it seem it does.

One of my bad habits is putting other people on a pedestal and then not wanting to deal with them once they fall short and prove they are human.  I also try and think the very best of people, until I am proven otherwise. I reason that I am keeping an open mind and not being judgmental.  Unfortunately,  this further compounds my issues with trust. I start to analyze and overthink the situation, to the point that I have to find a distraction before it consumes me. Normally, I would deal with this on my own and no one would ever know. You see, I have very little trust for others. Likely because I have had trust issues for so long, and there are not very many people who have proven me wrong. Yet, I still long for and stay up at night wanting to feel that connection with another person. It took me a long time to realize manipulative people will take advantage of this, if given the chance.

Lately, I felt so frustrated and have wanted to give up.  I have felt discouraged, lost, and broken, when my simple desire is to feel that connection with another person and be loved. Thank God,  I keep hearing this little voice, this whisper that says "Hold on, don't give up, keep going."   This is what I will listen to, trust and keep in my heart. The rest, I will let go.

"O' Lord"

Whoa...

Though times it seems
Like I'm coming undone
This walk can often feel lonely
No matter what until this race is won
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found

Oh, O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face this I know in time
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right

Whoa...

Your strength is found
At the end of my road
Your grace it reaches to the hurting
Still through the tears and the questioning why
I will stand my ground where hope can be found!
I will stand my ground where hope can be found!

Oh, O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face This I know in time
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
(Right, so Right)
Make it Right,
(Right so Right)
Make it Right, Right

I will stand my ground
I will stand my ground

I will stand my ground where hope can be found!
I will stand my ground where hope can be found!

Oh! O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face this I know in time
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
(Right, so Right)
Make it Right,
(Right so Right)
Make it Right, Right

I surrender

Today was a good day, lunch was especially memorable. I found out about a good dentist in town.  It is times like this, I wish I had a therapist to tell about my day- a blog post will have to suffice. Things have been going crazy, it reminds me of  lyrics to this song: "So much to do in so little time, ", "It’s off to the races everybody out the door. I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life"  There is work, school, and an abnormal check up with my teenager, this is just touching the surface. 
I have come close to losing it at times, but held it together and pushed on. Strong is in my genetics, my family has a lot of strong women who set great examples.  No family is perfect, I have learned though, a bad family is better than no family. I miss my mom, she would have loved to hear about my lunch today. 
I am looking forward to the Big Church night out concert coming on October 28th, of course I have already signed up to volunteer.  My issues with food are work in progress,  I know this will always be a challenge.  I have my bad days, there are times when I feel as though I will never reach my goal. I also have feelings of unworthiness and self doubt.  The difference is now I have the tools to deal with the issues I am facing. I have a wonderful support system and will push, on taking each day one at a time. 

Gracefully Broken