Today's message was:
So watch yourselves.
“If your brother or sister[a] sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”- Luke 17: 3-4
One of the Artist gave a testimony of when he was in college and had to exercise forgiveness. This got me to thinking; I tend to let things go pretty easily. There isn't anyone that I need to give forgive. Little did I realize, I still have to renew that forgiveness.
For some reason my father came to mind, my earthly father, his name was Freddie. Perhaps it was because he was the last and biggest forgiveness of my life. My father and I were estranged most of my life. I can count on both hands the times we spent together or the memories we shared. I loved my grandfather like my father, but we didn't live with my grandparents. One would think growing up without a father would not make that much of difference. Fast forward 20 years and I am blogging about it instead of going to a Therapist. The only unforeseeable set back was a girl who would eventually turn into a lady that didn't know how to be loved or relate to a man.
Several months ago, it became evident, I had unresolved feels. I was scrolling through social media (which may have been where I began to go wrong), and I came across a meme. I have looked and looked for the meme, but not been able to find it. It said something to the effect of: Just because a guy is nice to you, does not mean he is interested in being in a relationship with you. The meme immediately made me feel I was lacking in tools and foundation. I felt at a disadvantage. It was then that I realized I had to forgive my father.
You see at the time there was a guy that was being really nice to me and I found myself attracted to him and interested in getting to know him more. He was not doing anything overly nice or out of the ordinary (though, I wish he would). He was just being a good guy. I have always been attention deprived when it comes to men, which leaves me hyper sensitive and vulnerable. To me, it felt like I was desperate and at a disadvantage. No one really wants to feel desperate, this really made me upset.
I had so many questions for my father. I had no one to show me how a man is suppose to treat a woman. I wondered why my father didn't come to visit me in the hospital when I had surgery at 12. I wanted to know why he was in the lives of his other children, but not in my life. Was there something I didn't have? Was there something wrong with me that my father didn't love me or tell me he loved me. My father was said to have problems with substance abuse.
I often times think I am unworthy of being loved, because the man that was to show me, never got around to it. This is not to make me out to be the victim, but just me putting some of the things that cross my mind in writing. I have also thought that a person from a home with both parents may not want to be with a person from a broken home. I know it sounds crazy, but I have thought about it, trying to make it work may be more of a challenge. Not everyone is up for taking this on, I know it is going to take a special man to love me.
My father died in 2013, I never got the answers to any of my questions. I never went to a Father- Daughter dance or know the bond or experiences of being a Daddy's girl. Now, I could hold on to resentment and unresolve, letting it consumed me. Or I could forgive him, I could let it go, and hope again. I can give the broken pieces of my heart over to my Savior, for Him to fix. Which is what I did, that day I saw that meme, I cried and left the pieces of my broken heart at the feet of the King. Only He could turn the broken pieces into something as beautiful as forgiveness.
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